Déjà vu - Looking back through the years!

Noticed this comment in a Facebook comment on Edwin Tan's post:

Edwin Tan Chee Pin Constance Lo - i learnt this 14 years ago, when my oldest boy (Joseph) was 2 months old, and i was clueless on what to do. my senior pastor Chris Kam wrote on how he brings his sons out one-on-one each week. so i decided to try it - and it's the best 'piece of advice' i've had - easy to do, but yet so effective.

This was the article that I wrote in 2005 for Floodgates, 14 years' ago as Edwin mentioned. What a reminder that I am glad I invested into all my sons. They are now 14 years older and are now adults!

My Three Sons – Arrows in a Quiver  Nov-Dec 2005 Pr Chris Kam

A DUMC member came excitingly to me two weeks ago exclaiming that she met someone who knows me. She was at a function in another church and found out that this man, YK, who is my optometrist. YK had told her that something that I shared with him had encouraged him so much that he decided to do something about it. I remembered the incident and little did I know that a casual sharing would have led someone to radically change the way he parents his children.

This casual encounter happened in McDonald about two months ago where I was having supper with Ashton, my youngest 8-year old son. This was my regular weekly father-son time on a Monday after his music class. YK was having dinner with his family and as usual in his jovial self, he came over for a quick chat. “Where are your two other sons?” he asked. “There are no two other sons here. Just me and Ashton, our father and son time.” I could see that his ears pricked up trying to figure out what I mean. “What do you mean ‘father and son’ time?” he asked. “Exactly as I said, ‘father and SON’ time”, I replied, emphasizing the word ‘son’ in singular.

“I do this with each of my sons every week. Sort of like my usual pastoral appointments, but with my sons, instead of my church members, written down in my diary. It’s a weekly one: Monday afternoon with Ian (my 15-year old), Monday night with Ashton and Wednesday night with Shaun (my 10-year old). Non-negotiable, unless I am outstation or having an important meeting that cannot be changed.”

“Hmmmm…. “ YK muttered something under his breath. “All three every week … that must be tough considering the amount of time required if for each you spent two hours with. That must have taken a lot of discipline on your part.”

“I have been meeting like this with Ian since he was 4 years old. That’s eleven years in total sitting like this one on one, talking about anything and everything. Tough as it may be being man and boy, you know the male thingy of being bad conversationalists; we just learn to talk about everything under the sun. Of course there were silent moments but there is food to keep our mouth full!” We broke out in laughter with Ashton looking cute and wondering what these big fellas are up to.

“YK, it’s really hard work, and fattening too, because it always happens in a restaurant. I give them a choice where they would like to go. I am sick of roti canai and you would have figured out by now why. They love roti canai. But it’s cheaper.”

“But, it is extremely rewarding. For one, my sons cannot accuse me some day of dad not spending enough time with them. But the real value is in building a trust relationship that until today at 15 years old, Ian still shares with me about everything … including whom he likes, and you know, birds and bees stuff. I rather that he hears from me than from his peers, or the media. I am so glad that we didn’t really go through the ‘dad and mum my worst enemies’ teenage phase that I have been warned about. Ian said to me a few months back that I am his best friend and that’s the greatest compliment I think a father can receive from his son.”

By now, YK is furiously processing through in his mind the implication of what I am saying. He has three children himself, around the same ages, and I wasn’t really sure what he was up to until this was related to me. I was told that since he heard what I shared, not only has he and his wife started a one-on-one with their children, they have encouraged others in his church to start doing the same because they have found it so helpful in their parenting.

Something so simple, yet powerful. I am reminded of Psalm 127:3-5 Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate.

Parents, our children are like arrows. We are the archers. When they are properly shaped and sharpened, and in the hands of expert marksman, they will go the distance and to places where we can’t go ourselves. We need to think two generations ahead, so that they can become godly fathers themselves. The success of my life can only been seen when I am no longer around, that is, in the lives of my children’s children, that they will blessed by what I am doing now with my own children. That’s the heart cry of our heavenly Father. He’s a multi-generational God!

Is there a perfect husband or wife out there?

Last Friday night at my cell group meeting, we celebrated the 22nd wedding anniversary of a dear couple by putting them on a hot seat for the young adults to glean life lessons from on a marriage with a combined total of 44 years of marriage experience and three children later. I have often said to young people that wisdom is about asking the right questions. Our education system, and even the way our church celebrations or services are structured, they are often more than not monologues. Jesus' style of discipling was usually done by sitting around in a circle, facing one another and mutually asking good and provoking questions. You see that often in their dialogues found in the Gospels, whether in a room, in the field, in their journeys, or literally any and everywhere. Sometimes Jesus would answer their questions with another question. 

Google has introduced a whole new culture of information overload. The wisdom of google is not in the answers that can be found there. There are tons and tons of answers and information. It is in asking the right question that Google is at its best. Let me qualify by saying too that the answers may not necessarily be correct or truthful. A great amount of discernment and wisdom is needed to filter them correctly

Good questions were asked of this couple. How do you know you are right for one another? Is it about compatibility? Is it about communications? What roles do parents play for their children in matters of a life partner? How do you maintain the sizzle or passion in your marriage? How do you keep going with all the challenges? How does having children alter your relationship? 

One thing this couple can attest to is the importance of pre-marital counselling which is vital to prepare the couple for what's ahead. I have realized too that generally speaking there is no such thing as a compatible couple. The moment you think you are, you will be in for a big surprise because living together in the same house is a whole new ball game altogether with both coming from completely different family background and culture. Before marriage, when they have a disagreement, they can go home and not see each other for a while until things cool down. When they are married, they do not have such a luxury. There is no "going home" because they are at home. They sleep on the same bed in tension. They just need to work things out eventually and conflict resolution is an important skill of learning to listen, negotiate and compromise. I would call that the skill of adapting. Therefore the issue is not about compatibility, but adaptability. Learning to adapt is a posture of love. It is not about what we can get out of a relationship only, but how we can give to it. In fact, "agape" love is unconditional. Meaning, we love not because of, but in spite of. That's the vow couples made to one another at the wedding altar.

For better for worse,

For richer for poorer,

In sickness and in health,

To love and to cherish,

Till death do us part,

And hereto I pledge you my faith.

Hence marriage is laboratory of relationship of learning how to love unconditionally. Only when love is worked out this way can we find deep fulfilling relationship knowing that we are genuinely loved. How often people get into marriage to get, and when they cannot find what they are looking for, they opt out. Where can we learn how love to love like this? We can only learn that from Someone who had loved like this.

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:6-8) 

One last tip I gave was to observe the person how he (or she) treats people above him, next to him and below him. Watch how he respects authority, whether it is to his parents, bosses, pastors or leaders. Watch how he treats his friends, colleagues and cell group members. Then most importantly, watch how he treats people "below" him, his subordinates, the underprivileged, disabled, or poor, and most interestingly, watch how he treats children. It will give you a clue what kind of person you will be living with and the culture of relationship with whom you will forge together for your family.

So, no, there is no perfect husband or wife out there. If you find one, don’t marry that person because you will make him or her imperfect! Worse still, you will be terribly disappointed and disillusioned over a broken dream because there is no such perfection. Happy “hunting!”

Blessed Birthday to My Wife!

Today is my wife's birthday and I have always felt that I am the most blessed man on earth to be married to her. I am bias of course, and what husband would not be if he feels he is truly blessed!

Proverbs 18:22 He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD. 

So today, I have the privilege to declare one more time my undying love (until the day I die that is!) for her and if I have to go back in time, I would still make the same decision to marry her and I hope she feels the same. :) I love her as my wife and best friend, as the mother of my three boys and most of all a beloved child of our Heavenly Father.

Once, while preparing for a sermon about impactful living and the life skills that we need to have, I asked her how she would preach it. She said it is all about relating to others and she would preach her 3-point sermon this way.

1. The person you are talking to is not you. (People don’t think like you.)

2. There’s always two sides to a coin. - (Listen. Don't be too quick to talk.)

3. Love your neighbor as yourself. – (Treat others the way you would have them treat you.)

What wisdom that comes out from someone ad lib. It is just part of her life and that's why I am blessed!

I thought the best tribute, of the many messages she received today, is this one from a fellow cell member of the same name:

Happy Birthday Aunty Stella! Thanks for showing us that a woman can be authoritative yet gentle, to be admired instead of feared, respectable yet approachable. Thanks for showing with your life the wisdom of submission and how beautiful that makes of a woman and her family. May God continue to shine through your deeds and bless your family. Have a blast!

I rest my case! Blessed Birthday My Dear!

Why God Gives Us Families

Families form the basic building blocks of any society. For that matter, the Christian families are basic building blocks of the Church. Sociological research had affirmed the direct correlation on the positive impact made by healthy families to society and to the nation. In an interesting interview, Lee Kuan Yew, a former prime minister of Singapore, argued that after thousands of years of dynastic upheaval, the family is the only institution left to sustain Chinese culture. It embodies a set of virtues—“learning and scholarship and hard work and thrift and deferment of present enjoyment for future gain”—which, he said, underpins Asia's economic success. He feared that the collapse of the family, if it ever happened, would be the main threat to Singapore's success. (The Economist Aug 2011)

This is where the tacit influence of the Church can often come through building godly families and extending the love of Christ to our communities and nation. The importance of this cannot be underrated because these blocks set the forth the ultimate health conditions of our society and nation. Much of the problems of societies today can be traced directly to this basic building block.

So why did God create the institution of marriage and family? One thing we know for certain is that God loves people and His command was to be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 1:28). We are then to take charge and be responsible over the earth. This requires us to exercise creative stewardship of God’s creation, caring for and building up what God has created. This also means we need responsible people from one generation to another who understand this mandate.

So each family within a clan, a tribe and a race, under the rule of God, should be reproducing godly offspring, fulfilling this mandate for generations to come. Who then are the primary educators of the family? Interestingly as we go back in history, the families, vis-à-vis the parents, or more precisely the fathers, have always played that role, and not any governmental or non-governmental institution. Deuteronomy 6:4-9 sets forth a template how that can be done in a family.

Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates. (Dt 6:4–9)

Before the industrial revolution of the 18th century, fathers passed on their trade skills to their adolescent sons, guiding them through apprenticeship into manhood. Whatever that needs to be taught and modelled happened primarily in the home. The industrial revolution created a need for classrooms and schools due to the demands for manpower in the industry for both parents. Kids left at home were also eventually picked up by Christians concerned about their spiritual well-being thus creating the first Sunday School. Over time, the primary role of educating was relegated to governments and churches.

In a nutshell, the role of families is to produce godly offspring. It is a self-replicating system with God and His Word as the absolute standard. The family provides a consistent and safe environment for nurture, discipline, training and instruction of the Lord to take place (Ephesians 6:4). The family trains us to be loving and caring unconditionally. “Blood is thicker than water” is an apt saying in a sense that family should be the last bastion for refuge in a world gone wrong. Even in the worst of situations, home will always be home. Discipleship takes place first at home before anything else. No wonder Apostle Paul said in 1 Timothy 3:5 “If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?” The proof of the pudding is in the home, of a man’s leadership capacity for the church. This is an interesting insight to suggest that the family is the starting point. 

Ravi Zachariah, a noted apologist said “Marriage and family is a base for ministry to one another, not self-indulgence, but a greater platform for good. If marriage doesn’t make you a better person, don’t get married.” It is within the family that we learn not to be self-centered. All our life before marriage was about me, myself and I. I have often said in jest that if you think you are a kind, wonderful and patient person, try getting married and it will prove you wrong. If you still think you are after marriage, try being a parent. It’s a humbling experience. That I conclude is why God gives us children, to teach us to be more Christlike.

We learn love and forgiveness in the midst of our individual flaws among family members. As spouses and parents, we train ourselves at home to be responsible for others and not just be self-serving or narcissistic. As children, we learn to obey and honour our parents, rightly projecting the idea of honour to those in authority when we grow up.

Fathers play a crucial role in the life of their sons as they are the representation of God in their relationship with Him. They build their confidence, prepare them spiritually and socially for the real world and give them insights into the world of men. Sons learn about what it means to be a responsible man, husband and father. Adolescent daughters also need their fathers’ affirmation that they are beautiful and loved. Their choice of future partners and satisfaction in marriage often hinges on their relationship with their fathers.

These are modelled day in and out. When one is trained and instructed well in the home, it is not difficult to guess the kind of people walking into the community who are positive influencers. As Christians, they bring the love of Christ into the broken world. The starting point is the home which provides a daily training ground for about two decades.

Cohesive Family through Truth & Faithfulness

Scriptural Text: Ephesians 5:15 - 6:4

Preached at DUMC 15/16 March 2014 by Pr Chris Kam

The state of marriage today in Malaysia

The national rate of divorce in 2012 was 26%

The propostion of Muslim divorces is about double that of non-Muslims

1. Biblical Theology of Marriage and the Family

The permanency of marriage.

Mark 10:6-9 “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ 7 ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, 8 and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one. 9 Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” 

2. Biblical Template for the family

Biblical pattern for marriage:

• Ephesians 5:21-33 

a. Wives, submit to your husband as to the Lord (v22-24)

23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 

b. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her (v25-28) 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

• Ephesians 6:1-4

c. Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” (v1-3) 

 Luke 2:51-52 51 Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them. But his mother treasured all these things in her heart. 52 And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men.

d. Fathers, do not exasperate our children, instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. (v4) 

The Roles and Responsibilities in a Household according to Scripture

ROLES	RESPONSIBILITIES	TEXTS
Fathers	Love your wife*	Eph. 5:25
	Provide for family, children	2 Cor. 12:14
	Ensure proper nurture and discipline	Eph. 6:4; Col. 3:21; Heb. 12:6
Mothers	Submit to your husband*	Eph. 5:22
	Raising of children, motherhood	1 Tim 2:15
	Managing the home	1 Tim. 5:14
Children	Obedience to parents	Eph. 6:1-3; Col. 3:20
	Care for parents in old age	1 Tim. 5:8

Reference: 

God, Marriage, and Family: Rebuilding the Biblical Foundation

By: Andreas J. Kostenberger,David W. Jones

* Added by author of blog

Click here for detail of book.

Verses:

Ephesians 5:25	Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
2 Corinthians 12:14	Now I am ready to visit you for the third time, and I will not be a burden to you, because what I want is not your possessions but you. After all, children should not have to save up for their parents, but parents for their children.
Ephesians 6:4	Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
Colossians 3:21	Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.
Hebrews 12:6	because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.”
Ephesians 5:22	Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.
1 Timothy 2:15	But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.
1 Timothy 5:14	So I counsel younger widows to marry, to have children, to manage their homes and to give the enemy no opportunity for slander.
Ephesians 6:1–3	1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
Colossians 3:20	Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
1 Timothy 5:8	If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

The foundation of a cohesive family must be built therefore through: 

TRUTH – Biblical truth rooted in scripture about our roles in marriage

FAITHFULNESS – Faithfulness rooted in scripture about the permanency of marriage and family.

3. Biblical Transformation through the Family

How do we build a cohesive family? I want to suggest an IDEA.

Eph 6:4 Bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord

• Instructions 

• Discipline 

• Encouragement 

• Affection 

Luke 3:22 and the Holy Spirit descended on him in bodily form like a dove. And a voice came from heaven: “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.” 

3 things our children need to hear from us. 

I love you (Affection), 

I am proud of you (Acceptance) 

You are good in what you do (Affirmation). 

Appreciation to all our super mothers! Here is one who can do 10 things at one time:

Emily Lee - mother to Maya and wife to Paul Sebastian

To the singles looking for a life partner:

If you want to get married, you must make sure your marriage will give you a greater love for the Lord, the things of the Lord, a greater prospect of ministry. If not stay single. ~ Josh McDowell

APPRECIATE YOUR FAMILY WEEK!

Don't take your family for granted. Appreciate them in a creative way this week.

Guardians or Fathers?

I have been surveying young adults with this question: “Is there someone in your life, someone older and wiser spiritually, whom you can turn to for godly counsel and advice?” Only one out of ten say they have one. I would presume from that answer they cannot even go to their parents, especially their fathers, for such a need. It saddens my heart that young people are left on their own to figure out what to do in life, or via their peers or the google. While they may have information at their fingertips, yet what they lack is the wisdom learned through experiences, hard knocks and spiritual maturity. Why should they repeat the same mistakes that others further down the journey had committed? Or on a positive note, take the route of successes?

It is clear from Scriptures that God is concern that history doesn’t repeat itself. Romans 15:4 “For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.” 1 Corinthians 10:11 “These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the fulfillment of the ages has come.” But our stubborn and sinful hearts are foolish enough often to ignore the wisdom that is already there, not just in the Bible, but also in older people who have “eaten more salt then we have eaten rice”. That is the beauty of generations and there should be no reason why any generation cannot do better than the previous one in terms of their moral influence and social impact.

There seems to be an invisible barrier. Sociologists have termed this as the generational gap and our Enemy relishes that fact. But it was never God’s design. We observe in Deuteronomy 6:4-9 that the family is central to God’s redemptive plan. He is the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, a clear affirmation of passing on of one’s birthright and heritage from one generation to the next. This is very much a relational model of the Jewish family, where the Shema is regularly recited. Certainly the spirit of this command is not merely a ritual that one goes through, but the deliberate connecting of hearts of the fathers to their children when they talked about the commandments of God in their daily living. In this fast pace society, we can understand the problems of tired fathers, who are present but not really present. One man shared honestly at a Men Alive! meeting: “We give our best at work and by the time we reach home, we are at our worst.” The fathers’ role is now limited to be a financial provider and disciplinarian of last resort. Mother-child relationship became central and fathers are peripheral. 

A child is more likely to see God as his Father if he sees God in his own father. Ken Canfield, author of “The 7 Secrets of Effective Fathers”, used this metaphor: “We are fathers like God is a father. We are walking object lessons to our children on who God is.” Malachi’s last words in the Old Testament were that the Elijah would come and “He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers.” (Malachi 4:6) When God unites the hearts of the fathers to their children, and vice versa, we are not merely talking about restoring the rightful authority the fathers have over their children, but the rightful relational ties with each other. Through that, generations thereafter will have a right understanding of who God is and right theology determines right behavior in fathering our children and showing them the way to have a personal relation with God.

My heart’s desire is to see intergenerational discipling starting first and foremost in the family. If discipling does not take place in the home, it will not take place in the church because the family unit is a microcosm of the wider Body. Fathers need to recognize that they are not merely legal guardians of their children. Every man can be a biological father, but not every man knows how to be a spiritual and godly one. Apostle Paul repeatedly extols the need to father the Body of Christ. 1 Cor 4:15-17 "Even though you have ten thousand guardians in Christ, you do not have many fathers, for in Christ Jesus I became your father through the gospel. Therefore I urge you to imitate me." (The “guardian” in this context is a slave tutor in a Roman family that supervises the child.) Fathers need to be spiritual. 1 John 2:12-14 sets the path of spiritual development for everyone to grow from a child to a father. The fathers in our midst know the heart of God intimately and live out a life desiring the pleasure of God. He models the same to his children. I believe this fathering and discipling mandate is first given to biological fathers and then to other older men and women in partnership within the Church to disciple the younger ones. 

In our Christian Church, not only do we have the biological family, we are blessed with a wider body of a spiritual family. The Christian faith is not just an individual faith. There is every indication especially by Apostle Paul to remind us that we are part of the Body (1 Cor 12:12-31; 27-31; Rom 12:4-5). So we do affect one another for the better or for the worse! “Am I my brother’s keeper?” (Gen 4:9) was the first disastrous effect of the sin of murder. Sin kills the family bond. We who are older and more mature must take the responsibilities of discipling younger people and training them to be godly parents some day.

The command given in the New Testament to bring up our children “in the training and instruction of the Lord” is given to fathers, although it certainly is applicable to mothers as well. Fathers are singled out and the implication is that one day the Lord will single us out too when we are asked about our children. It is not good enough to provide for them by giving them the fish. Teach them to fish so that they are well equipped spiritually not just to be good people, but to exemplify a transformed Christ-centered life!

One shot and one chance in their life!

I made this status update on my facebook this week: Make time for your family! We wonly have one shot and one chance at every milestone of their life! We miss it, it's gone!

We are always on our annual family trip somewhere. This year it is in a relatively unknown spot in Thailand called Hua Hin. Apparently it is Thailand's royal beach resort, less known than the popular Phuket or Samui. Our annual trip has been a tradition kept for many years now, whether it is a local one, or overseas. When the children were younger, it was much more challenging as the packing list was longer. Now that they are much older, their packing list is their own although still with some input from mum. We still treat them as little kids at times (told them they will always be fifteen or younger in our hearts and minds) and still irritating them with a barrage of reminders.

I suppose in our hearts, they will always remain young, that they never grew up. I know it's totally unfair to them but we will always be watching out for them but hopefully learning to let go and letting them take responsibility over their own actions and life. It will certainly be hard to let go, but we know we need to. At my age now, my parents are still as concern as they were of me when I was young. That's the beauty of family I suppose but hopefully we will not choke them to tears.

Our boys are now between 15 and 22! We have to learn to start letting go. I shared in my sermon last month that with my eldest son, he has shown me the signs that I am looking for where I can say with an amount of certainty and peace that I can let him go as he has learnt to take responsibility over his own actions. He will not blame anyone else or the things that happen in his life but to adopt a great attitude of learning from them and be thankful in all circumstances.

Interestingly after that, my youngest son with his usual wit asked me whether he has shown any of the sign I mentioned. I told him definitely not at this point in his life! He needs time to grow. While they are growing up, let's not miss out on the milestones of their life. We can never turn back the clock at each of these milestones but to treasure them and never to miss out on them. They certainly grow too fast for us to catch up. Make time nevertheless where we can and never stop telling them how much you love them! I have known men who in the latter years when they have time for their children, they (the children) no longer are interested. What a sad picture! Catch the moments now!