Edwin Tan Chee Pin Constance Lo - i learnt this 14 years ago, when my oldest boy (Joseph) was 2 months old, and i was clueless on what to do. my senior pastor Chris Kam wrote on how he brings his sons out one-on-one each week. so i decided to try it - and it's the best 'piece of advice' i've had - easy to do, but yet so effective.
My Three Sons – Arrows in a Quiver Nov-Dec 2005 Pr Chris Kam
A DUMC member came excitingly to
me two weeks ago exclaiming that she met someone who knows me. She was at a
function in another church and found out that this man, YK, who is my
optometrist. YK had told her that something that I shared with him had
encouraged him so much that he decided to do something about it. I remembered
the incident and little did I know that a casual sharing would have led someone
to radically change the way he parents his children.
This casual encounter happened in
McDonald about two months ago where I was having supper with Ashton, my
youngest 8-year old son. This was my regular weekly father-son time on a Monday
after his music class. YK was having dinner with his family and as usual in his
jovial self, he came over for a quick chat. “Where
are your two other sons?” he asked. “There
are no two other sons here. Just me and Ashton, our father and son time.” I
could see that his ears pricked up trying to figure out what I mean. “What do you mean ‘father and son’ time?”
he asked. “Exactly as I said, ‘father and
SON’ time”, I replied, emphasizing
the word ‘son’ in singular.
“I do this with each of my sons every week. Sort of like my usual
pastoral appointments, but with my sons, instead of my church members, written
down in my diary. It’s a weekly one: Monday afternoon with Ian (my 15-year
old), Monday night with Ashton and Wednesday night with Shaun (my 10-year old).
Non-negotiable, unless I am outstation or having an important meeting that
cannot be changed.”
“Hmmmm…. “ YK muttered something under his breath. “All three every week … that must be tough
considering the amount of time required if for each you spent two hours with.
That must have taken a lot of discipline on your part.”
“I have been meeting like this with Ian since he was 4 years old.
That’s eleven years in total sitting like this one on one, talking about
anything and everything. Tough as it may be being man and boy, you know the
male thingy of being bad conversationalists; we just learn to talk about everything
under the sun. Of course there were silent moments but there is food to keep
our mouth full!” We broke out in laughter with Ashton looking cute and
wondering what these big fellas are up to.
“YK, it’s really hard work, and fattening too, because it always happens
in a restaurant. I give them a choice where they would like to go. I am sick of
roti canai and you would have figured out by now why. They love roti canai. But
it’s cheaper.”
“But, it is extremely rewarding. For one, my sons cannot accuse me some
day of dad not spending enough time with them. But the real value is in
building a trust relationship that until today at 15 years old, Ian still shares
with me about everything … including whom he likes, and you know, birds and
bees stuff. I rather that he hears from me than from his peers, or the media. I
am so glad that we didn’t really go through the ‘dad and mum my worst enemies’
teenage phase that I have been warned about. Ian said to me a few months back
that I am his best friend and that’s the greatest compliment I think a father
can receive from his son.”
By now, YK is furiously
processing through in his mind the implication of what I am saying. He has
three children himself, around the same ages, and I wasn’t really sure what he
was up to until this was related to me. I was told that since he heard what I
shared, not only has he and his wife started a one-on-one with their children,
they have encouraged others in his church to start doing the same because they
have found it so helpful in their parenting.
Something so simple, yet
powerful. I am reminded of Psalm 127:3-5
Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him. Like arrows in
the hands of a warrior are sons born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose
quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with
their enemies in the gate.
Parents, our children are like
arrows. We are the archers. When they are properly shaped and sharpened, and in
the hands of expert marksman, they will go the distance and to places where we
can’t go ourselves. We need to think two generations ahead, so that they can
become godly fathers themselves. The success of my life can only been seen when
I am no longer around, that is, in the lives of my children’s children, that
they will blessed by what I am doing now with my own children. That’s the heart
cry of our heavenly Father. He’s a multi-generational God!
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