Déjà vu - Looking back through the years!

Noticed this comment in a Facebook comment on Edwin Tan's post:

Edwin Tan Chee Pin Constance Lo - i learnt this 14 years ago, when my oldest boy (Joseph) was 2 months old, and i was clueless on what to do. my senior pastor Chris Kam wrote on how he brings his sons out one-on-one each week. so i decided to try it - and it's the best 'piece of advice' i've had - easy to do, but yet so effective.

This was the article that I wrote in 2005 for Floodgates, 14 years' ago as Edwin mentioned. What a reminder that I am glad I invested into all my sons. They are now 14 years older and are now adults!

My Three Sons – Arrows in a Quiver  Nov-Dec 2005 Pr Chris Kam

A DUMC member came excitingly to me two weeks ago exclaiming that she met someone who knows me. She was at a function in another church and found out that this man, YK, who is my optometrist. YK had told her that something that I shared with him had encouraged him so much that he decided to do something about it. I remembered the incident and little did I know that a casual sharing would have led someone to radically change the way he parents his children.

This casual encounter happened in McDonald about two months ago where I was having supper with Ashton, my youngest 8-year old son. This was my regular weekly father-son time on a Monday after his music class. YK was having dinner with his family and as usual in his jovial self, he came over for a quick chat. “Where are your two other sons?” he asked. “There are no two other sons here. Just me and Ashton, our father and son time.” I could see that his ears pricked up trying to figure out what I mean. “What do you mean ‘father and son’ time?” he asked. “Exactly as I said, ‘father and SON’ time”, I replied, emphasizing the word ‘son’ in singular.

“I do this with each of my sons every week. Sort of like my usual pastoral appointments, but with my sons, instead of my church members, written down in my diary. It’s a weekly one: Monday afternoon with Ian (my 15-year old), Monday night with Ashton and Wednesday night with Shaun (my 10-year old). Non-negotiable, unless I am outstation or having an important meeting that cannot be changed.”

“Hmmmm…. “ YK muttered something under his breath. “All three every week … that must be tough considering the amount of time required if for each you spent two hours with. That must have taken a lot of discipline on your part.”

“I have been meeting like this with Ian since he was 4 years old. That’s eleven years in total sitting like this one on one, talking about anything and everything. Tough as it may be being man and boy, you know the male thingy of being bad conversationalists; we just learn to talk about everything under the sun. Of course there were silent moments but there is food to keep our mouth full!” We broke out in laughter with Ashton looking cute and wondering what these big fellas are up to.

“YK, it’s really hard work, and fattening too, because it always happens in a restaurant. I give them a choice where they would like to go. I am sick of roti canai and you would have figured out by now why. They love roti canai. But it’s cheaper.”

“But, it is extremely rewarding. For one, my sons cannot accuse me some day of dad not spending enough time with them. But the real value is in building a trust relationship that until today at 15 years old, Ian still shares with me about everything … including whom he likes, and you know, birds and bees stuff. I rather that he hears from me than from his peers, or the media. I am so glad that we didn’t really go through the ‘dad and mum my worst enemies’ teenage phase that I have been warned about. Ian said to me a few months back that I am his best friend and that’s the greatest compliment I think a father can receive from his son.”

By now, YK is furiously processing through in his mind the implication of what I am saying. He has three children himself, around the same ages, and I wasn’t really sure what he was up to until this was related to me. I was told that since he heard what I shared, not only has he and his wife started a one-on-one with their children, they have encouraged others in his church to start doing the same because they have found it so helpful in their parenting.

Something so simple, yet powerful. I am reminded of Psalm 127:3-5 Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate.

Parents, our children are like arrows. We are the archers. When they are properly shaped and sharpened, and in the hands of expert marksman, they will go the distance and to places where we can’t go ourselves. We need to think two generations ahead, so that they can become godly fathers themselves. The success of my life can only been seen when I am no longer around, that is, in the lives of my children’s children, that they will blessed by what I am doing now with my own children. That’s the heart cry of our heavenly Father. He’s a multi-generational God!

Why God Gives Us Families

Families form the basic building blocks of any society. For that matter, the Christian families are basic building blocks of the Church. Sociological research had affirmed the direct correlation on the positive impact made by healthy families to society and to the nation. In an interesting interview, Lee Kuan Yew, a former prime minister of Singapore, argued that after thousands of years of dynastic upheaval, the family is the only institution left to sustain Chinese culture. It embodies a set of virtues—“learning and scholarship and hard work and thrift and deferment of present enjoyment for future gain”—which, he said, underpins Asia's economic success. He feared that the collapse of the family, if it ever happened, would be the main threat to Singapore's success. (The Economist Aug 2011)

This is where the tacit influence of the Church can often come through building godly families and extending the love of Christ to our communities and nation. The importance of this cannot be underrated because these blocks set the forth the ultimate health conditions of our society and nation. Much of the problems of societies today can be traced directly to this basic building block.

So why did God create the institution of marriage and family? One thing we know for certain is that God loves people and His command was to be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 1:28). We are then to take charge and be responsible over the earth. This requires us to exercise creative stewardship of God’s creation, caring for and building up what God has created. This also means we need responsible people from one generation to another who understand this mandate.

So each family within a clan, a tribe and a race, under the rule of God, should be reproducing godly offspring, fulfilling this mandate for generations to come. Who then are the primary educators of the family? Interestingly as we go back in history, the families, vis-à-vis the parents, or more precisely the fathers, have always played that role, and not any governmental or non-governmental institution. Deuteronomy 6:4-9 sets forth a template how that can be done in a family.

Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates. (Dt 6:4–9)

Before the industrial revolution of the 18th century, fathers passed on their trade skills to their adolescent sons, guiding them through apprenticeship into manhood. Whatever that needs to be taught and modelled happened primarily in the home. The industrial revolution created a need for classrooms and schools due to the demands for manpower in the industry for both parents. Kids left at home were also eventually picked up by Christians concerned about their spiritual well-being thus creating the first Sunday School. Over time, the primary role of educating was relegated to governments and churches.

In a nutshell, the role of families is to produce godly offspring. It is a self-replicating system with God and His Word as the absolute standard. The family provides a consistent and safe environment for nurture, discipline, training and instruction of the Lord to take place (Ephesians 6:4). The family trains us to be loving and caring unconditionally. “Blood is thicker than water” is an apt saying in a sense that family should be the last bastion for refuge in a world gone wrong. Even in the worst of situations, home will always be home. Discipleship takes place first at home before anything else. No wonder Apostle Paul said in 1 Timothy 3:5 “If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?” The proof of the pudding is in the home, of a man’s leadership capacity for the church. This is an interesting insight to suggest that the family is the starting point. 

Ravi Zachariah, a noted apologist said “Marriage and family is a base for ministry to one another, not self-indulgence, but a greater platform for good. If marriage doesn’t make you a better person, don’t get married.” It is within the family that we learn not to be self-centered. All our life before marriage was about me, myself and I. I have often said in jest that if you think you are a kind, wonderful and patient person, try getting married and it will prove you wrong. If you still think you are after marriage, try being a parent. It’s a humbling experience. That I conclude is why God gives us children, to teach us to be more Christlike.

We learn love and forgiveness in the midst of our individual flaws among family members. As spouses and parents, we train ourselves at home to be responsible for others and not just be self-serving or narcissistic. As children, we learn to obey and honour our parents, rightly projecting the idea of honour to those in authority when we grow up.

Fathers play a crucial role in the life of their sons as they are the representation of God in their relationship with Him. They build their confidence, prepare them spiritually and socially for the real world and give them insights into the world of men. Sons learn about what it means to be a responsible man, husband and father. Adolescent daughters also need their fathers’ affirmation that they are beautiful and loved. Their choice of future partners and satisfaction in marriage often hinges on their relationship with their fathers.

These are modelled day in and out. When one is trained and instructed well in the home, it is not difficult to guess the kind of people walking into the community who are positive influencers. As Christians, they bring the love of Christ into the broken world. The starting point is the home which provides a daily training ground for about two decades.

Guardians or Fathers?

I have been surveying young adults with this question: “Is there someone in your life, someone older and wiser spiritually, whom you can turn to for godly counsel and advice?” Only one out of ten say they have one. I would presume from that answer they cannot even go to their parents, especially their fathers, for such a need. It saddens my heart that young people are left on their own to figure out what to do in life, or via their peers or the google. While they may have information at their fingertips, yet what they lack is the wisdom learned through experiences, hard knocks and spiritual maturity. Why should they repeat the same mistakes that others further down the journey had committed? Or on a positive note, take the route of successes?

It is clear from Scriptures that God is concern that history doesn’t repeat itself. Romans 15:4 “For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.” 1 Corinthians 10:11 “These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the fulfillment of the ages has come.” But our stubborn and sinful hearts are foolish enough often to ignore the wisdom that is already there, not just in the Bible, but also in older people who have “eaten more salt then we have eaten rice”. That is the beauty of generations and there should be no reason why any generation cannot do better than the previous one in terms of their moral influence and social impact.

There seems to be an invisible barrier. Sociologists have termed this as the generational gap and our Enemy relishes that fact. But it was never God’s design. We observe in Deuteronomy 6:4-9 that the family is central to God’s redemptive plan. He is the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, a clear affirmation of passing on of one’s birthright and heritage from one generation to the next. This is very much a relational model of the Jewish family, where the Shema is regularly recited. Certainly the spirit of this command is not merely a ritual that one goes through, but the deliberate connecting of hearts of the fathers to their children when they talked about the commandments of God in their daily living. In this fast pace society, we can understand the problems of tired fathers, who are present but not really present. One man shared honestly at a Men Alive! meeting: “We give our best at work and by the time we reach home, we are at our worst.” The fathers’ role is now limited to be a financial provider and disciplinarian of last resort. Mother-child relationship became central and fathers are peripheral. 

A child is more likely to see God as his Father if he sees God in his own father. Ken Canfield, author of “The 7 Secrets of Effective Fathers”, used this metaphor: “We are fathers like God is a father. We are walking object lessons to our children on who God is.” Malachi’s last words in the Old Testament were that the Elijah would come and “He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers.” (Malachi 4:6) When God unites the hearts of the fathers to their children, and vice versa, we are not merely talking about restoring the rightful authority the fathers have over their children, but the rightful relational ties with each other. Through that, generations thereafter will have a right understanding of who God is and right theology determines right behavior in fathering our children and showing them the way to have a personal relation with God.

My heart’s desire is to see intergenerational discipling starting first and foremost in the family. If discipling does not take place in the home, it will not take place in the church because the family unit is a microcosm of the wider Body. Fathers need to recognize that they are not merely legal guardians of their children. Every man can be a biological father, but not every man knows how to be a spiritual and godly one. Apostle Paul repeatedly extols the need to father the Body of Christ. 1 Cor 4:15-17 "Even though you have ten thousand guardians in Christ, you do not have many fathers, for in Christ Jesus I became your father through the gospel. Therefore I urge you to imitate me." (The “guardian” in this context is a slave tutor in a Roman family that supervises the child.) Fathers need to be spiritual. 1 John 2:12-14 sets the path of spiritual development for everyone to grow from a child to a father. The fathers in our midst know the heart of God intimately and live out a life desiring the pleasure of God. He models the same to his children. I believe this fathering and discipling mandate is first given to biological fathers and then to other older men and women in partnership within the Church to disciple the younger ones. 

In our Christian Church, not only do we have the biological family, we are blessed with a wider body of a spiritual family. The Christian faith is not just an individual faith. There is every indication especially by Apostle Paul to remind us that we are part of the Body (1 Cor 12:12-31; 27-31; Rom 12:4-5). So we do affect one another for the better or for the worse! “Am I my brother’s keeper?” (Gen 4:9) was the first disastrous effect of the sin of murder. Sin kills the family bond. We who are older and more mature must take the responsibilities of discipling younger people and training them to be godly parents some day.

The command given in the New Testament to bring up our children “in the training and instruction of the Lord” is given to fathers, although it certainly is applicable to mothers as well. Fathers are singled out and the implication is that one day the Lord will single us out too when we are asked about our children. It is not good enough to provide for them by giving them the fish. Teach them to fish so that they are well equipped spiritually not just to be good people, but to exemplify a transformed Christ-centered life!

One shot and one chance in their life!

I made this status update on my facebook this week: Make time for your family! We wonly have one shot and one chance at every milestone of their life! We miss it, it's gone!

We are always on our annual family trip somewhere. This year it is in a relatively unknown spot in Thailand called Hua Hin. Apparently it is Thailand's royal beach resort, less known than the popular Phuket or Samui. Our annual trip has been a tradition kept for many years now, whether it is a local one, or overseas. When the children were younger, it was much more challenging as the packing list was longer. Now that they are much older, their packing list is their own although still with some input from mum. We still treat them as little kids at times (told them they will always be fifteen or younger in our hearts and minds) and still irritating them with a barrage of reminders.

I suppose in our hearts, they will always remain young, that they never grew up. I know it's totally unfair to them but we will always be watching out for them but hopefully learning to let go and letting them take responsibility over their own actions and life. It will certainly be hard to let go, but we know we need to. At my age now, my parents are still as concern as they were of me when I was young. That's the beauty of family I suppose but hopefully we will not choke them to tears.

Our boys are now between 15 and 22! We have to learn to start letting go. I shared in my sermon last month that with my eldest son, he has shown me the signs that I am looking for where I can say with an amount of certainty and peace that I can let him go as he has learnt to take responsibility over his own actions. He will not blame anyone else or the things that happen in his life but to adopt a great attitude of learning from them and be thankful in all circumstances.

Interestingly after that, my youngest son with his usual wit asked me whether he has shown any of the sign I mentioned. I told him definitely not at this point in his life! He needs time to grow. While they are growing up, let's not miss out on the milestones of their life. We can never turn back the clock at each of these milestones but to treasure them and never to miss out on them. They certainly grow too fast for us to catch up. Make time nevertheless where we can and never stop telling them how much you love them! I have known men who in the latter years when they have time for their children, they (the children) no longer are interested. What a sad picture! Catch the moments now!

Differences between a leader and a follower

This morning reading from our E-100 planner on Genesis 42, shows something that is quite amusing. The opening verses: ¹ When Jacob learned that there was grain in Egypt, he said to his sons, “Why do you just keep looking at each other?” ² He continued, “I have heard that there is grain in Egypt. Go down there and buy some for us, so that we may live and not die.”

I was amused by the phrase: “Why do you just keep looking at each other?” I can imagine the remaining 11 sons (with Joseph sold to Egypt) sitting around mourning and groaning about their situation, the famine that had struck their land. Jacob must be quite frustrated at the passivity of his sons and hence his remark.

Two things can be observed here:

1. The lack of leadership with these men. It is also reflection of how the father had brought them up to be. This is of course speculative, but certainly deductive. If you want to know the father, look at the sons! There is some truth to that. From all 12 sons, came the nation of Israel. It is hard to imagine. What comes out over and over again in biblical stories is this. It is really not about how good or how capable we are. It is about how good, faithful and merciful God is to us. In the light of that, that's why Jesus said, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. (John 15:5)

2. Jacob showed favoritism to Rachel's sons, Joseph (Genesis 37:3) and Benjamin (Genesis 42:38). This is obvious to everyone and I am sure the other sons felt it for many years. Favoritism seems to be prevalent among the patriarchs and their wives. Isaac towards Esau and Rebekah towards Jacob. This caused an on-going feud to more than 3,500 years later, instilling a spirit of competition, strife, and resentment between the two brothers. This favoritism of Isaac spilled down to Jacob who favored Joseph. Both scored bad marks for their fathering on this count. There are many fathering stories in the Bible and it would do us good to learn from them, what to do and what not to do. Favoritism had done untold damage, including molding the sons to be who they are.

Coming back to my point. The leadership lesson learnt is this:

Followers wait for things to happen. Leaders make things happen!

Simple truth. The bane of families today are men who will not make things happen in their families. Spiritual and moral leadership have been delegated by default to their wives, or abdicated. Worse still, what if even the wives abdicate that role too. This leaves the children spiritually leaderless and morally starved. For that matter, one can be a captain and successful in the corporate world but a loser at home. Think about that.

Fathers Club

I preached last weekend during Fathers' Day. It created quite a buzz in facebook and twitter. I think it is simply that there's something about the subject of fathers that is dear to our hearts. Check out my sermon summary if you interested in my newly created blog "DUMC Fathers Club".

Interestingly, I received about 100 forms from fathers and even single young adult men who are interested in this club. This has been on my mind for a couple of years and I believe it is the right time now to create a local movement in DUMC for fathering. I believe it will have a systemic effect on marriages, parenting, family life and church as a whole.

There are many resources out there and pray that we will be discerning which to use that will really move us fathers up a notch.

Happy Fathers' Day!