Life Seasonings - Principle 10 of 10

Principle 10:  Reflect often 

(Make many pit stops)

Socrates, the Greek philosopher of the 5^th century BC said “The unexamined life is not worth living.” When Socrates was in his forties, he had the inquisitive mind to ask about the world around him. Some people were mad with him about the questions he would ask poignantly. “What is life? What is beauty? What is wisdom? What is the right thing to do?” and so forth. These were difficult questions and some tried to give him answers. Socrates would try to teach them how to think better by asking them more questions which revealed their problem in logical thinking. Often this upset many of them and some even tried to persecute him. Soon he had a group of young men who would listen to him and learn from him how to think. The famous Plato was one of these young men who wrote the book “Apology” in which he detailed how Socrates defended himself against his accusers. Socrates’ key contribution to the world was challenging people to do their own thinking. He dedicated his life to careful reasoning and was willing to call everything into question, which made him one of the earliest exponents of critical philosophy.

The wisest man on earth echoed the same sentiments. “What does a man gain from all his labor at which he toils under the sun?” (Ecclesiastes 1:3) “Meaningless! Meaningless!” says the Teacher. “Everything is meaningless!” (Ecclesiastes 12:8) Read for yourselves his conclusion on the matter in Ecclesiastes 12:13-14.

Jesus asked “What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?  Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?" (Mark 8:36-37) These are deep questions that need deep answers. If you would have noticed by now, real wisdom in life is not just about getting the right answers. We are already overwhelmed with information in this internet age. Real wisdom lies in asking the right questions for our lives.

“In contemporary society our Adversary majors in three things: noise, hurry and crowds. If he can keep us engaged in ‘muchness’ and ‘manyness’, he will rest satisfied. Psychiatrist Carl Jung once remarked, ‘Hurry is not of the Devil; it is the Devil.” (Richard Foster, in his book “Celebration of Discipline, Chapter two, The Discipline of Meditation)

Slowing down enough to reflect and think is a luxury ill afforded by many. “Where have time gone to?”  is not just a light-hearted cliché. It is a stark reality today for many. We need to make regular pit-stops to refuel, renew our worn out body and reflect upon our lives. Regular adjustments take us away from serious and irreversible consequences later in life and slowing down enough to allow us to enjoy the ride of our life and hear clearly the voice of God.

How can we do that? This principle is laid out clearly by God and it is called Sabbath. “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.” (Mark 2:27) Sabbath is about learning to let go and let God. It is a mandated weekly pit-stop which the whole world observe, whether Christian or otherwise. Sabbath is not to be a rule followed religiously without understanding why. Sabbath is implemented for our good, to help us celebrate God’s goodness. It is a day when we take our rest and celebrate by proclaiming “it is good”, just as God took a day’s rest and said everything He had created is VERY good (Genesis 1:31). God took a rest not because He is tired. He did it because the work of creation is completed.

What’s the implication for us today? We work very hard. We pride ourselves in doing more with less. Do you know part of Adam’s curse of work was to toil and produce little? (Genesis 3:17) God gives us the ability to produce wealth but He is also asking us whether our trust is in Him or in our wealth and abilities. The lack of Sabbath rest suggests a lack of trust in the Lord as we are constantly anxious about our work and provisions. Again, we may be religiously following Sabbath rest by coming to church, but we miss the spirit of it when we lack the joy in celebrating God’s goodness and grace. Sabbath rest is a reset button put by God in our lives to remind us to trust in Him and celebrate life. It is a day of reflection on the Lord’s gift of our life. Yet, many go to church worrying about their Mondays. We disobey Sabbath to our detriment.

Use your Sabbath well. Reflect and examine your life so that it’s worth living!

---------------------------------

Socrates (469-399 BC)

• I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing.

• As for me, all I know is that I know nothing.

• I know nothing except the fact of my ignorance.

• Beauty is a short-lived tyranny. 

• By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

• He is richest who is content with the least, for content is the wealth of nature.

• If a man is proud of his wealth, he should not be praised until it is known how he employs it.

• It is not living that matters, but living rightly.

Life Seasonings - Principle 9 of 10

Principle 9:  Rooftop principle 

(Don’t even go there)

I coined this principle while studying and teaching from the life of King David in 2 Samuel 11. Up to that point, David had reached the height of his glory as a king. He ruled over a vast empire and accumulated much spoils of war in his capital. In the midst of all these successes, he fell into the sin of adultery, which set off a chain of events that caused him to break almost all of the Ten Commandments.

Here’s a man, purported to be a man’s after God’s heart (1 Sam 13:14, Acts 13:22), yet in a simple careless act, he compromised his entire future. He forfeited his own personal right to build the Temple of God (2 Samuel 7:12-13, 1 Chronicles 22:7-8). The privilege went instead to his son Solomon. From 2 Samuel 12:7-12 we notice that to David, there was the withholding of financial blessings (v.8), the doors were opened to a spirit of violence (v.10), it brought about a curse (v.11), he was exposed to public shame (v.11-12) and a spirit of infirmity and death came upon the family (v.14-15). On top of that, he experienced the heartbreak of rape and murder within his own family. He lost his throne to his own son, Absalom, for a brief moment as well.

If you were to trace these tragedies to its very root, it came about from 2 Samuel 11:1-2. When kings were supposed to go to war during spring, David decided to take a holiday. An innocent thought no doubt yet was disastrous to the very core in its outcome. After siesta one evening, he walked on the rooftop of his palace, enjoying the cooling effect of a day coming to an end. We may not be looking for temptation but often it finds us at our unguarded moments. David saw a beautiful woman bathing and he sent someone to find out about her. Curiosity and lust got the best of him in spite of finding out that Bathsheba is Uriah’s wife. An unwanted pregnancy followed this adulterous affair. Hoping to cover his track, he invited Uriah back from the frontline in the pretense of finding out how the war was going. He sent him back home hoping that Uriah would sleep with his wife thus covering up the source of the pregnancy. Uriah being a man of honor refused to go back and instead slept at the servants’ quarters. David’s second attempt by making him drunk yielded the same result. What a man who held his honor even when he is drunk!

With that failure, David set in motion plan B by writing a letter to General Joab to sent Uriah to the frontline where the fighting was the fiercest. Uriah carried his own death sentence in his hand and after the mourning period, David married Bathsheba.

As I reflected upon this story, I can’t help but go in retrospect to the palace rooftop. What if David had not gone to the rooftop? Often we can place ourselves unwittingly on the rooftops of our lives, where we are most unguarded spiritually because everything seems to be going well. This reminded me of my early career years as a sales engineer. Being one of the top performers, we are regularly sent on incentive trips to places catering to a man’s sexual fancies like Bangkok, Haadyai or Cebu. Being an international conference, men would disperse to ‘tourist spots’ after dinner and I knew I had to pro-actively do something to prevent myself from even going near these places. Christians would often naively say that they can go to some of these places to identify with their non-Christian friends but they need not indulge in sinful activities. How one draws that moral line defies my logic. I know how wicked my heart can be and I don’t trust it. Jeremiah 17:9 “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?”

So I flee. I prayed for a Christian friend and God gave me a fellow engineer from Singapore whom I caught up with each time after dinner during these conferences. I suppose you can say we saved each other from our rooftops!

Being careful with our lives is not only about starting well, but finishing well too. A single careless and foolish act can cost us everything. No committed Christian seeks to sin deliberately but through an unguarded moment, we can compromise ourselves. Be very harsh and discipline with yourselves. What or where are the potential rooftops of your life? Don’t go there or near them! That’s wisdom in life!

Life Seasonings - Principle 8 of 10

Principle 8:  Life is short 

(Don’t waste it)

One life verse that caught hold of me as a 22-year-old in university was this: “What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.” (James 4:14b) This verse is quoted as part of my email signature for many years. For the benefit of those who are unaware what a “life verse” is, it is simply a bible verse that has a special significance personally, that spoke to you at a special circumstance and a special time of your life, that profoundly change the way you think and the way you live your life. It acts as a daily reminder, and an underlying philosophy that guides you in all your decisions. You don’t try to make it “fits” you; rather, you make yourself “fit” to what it teaches and espouses!

At the young age of 22, I had anticipated a whole life time of opportunities and I could almost feel like time is limitless. Certainly, the finishing line was farthest from my mind as I dreamt about the journey of opportunities. The danger in thinking that way is the tendency to put things off, thinking there will always be a tomorrow. In a blink of an eye, I am now approaching 49 in three months, just one year from the Big Five-O, half a century! Maybe it’s something to do with aging and approaching the finishing line. Say what you like about thinking young, having a positive attitude and calling us as “matured and wise”, the body does show signs of deceleration and you know it. You are confronted with your mortality and it dawns on you that you are not going to live here on earth forever!

The Bible speaks about our life being 3 scores and 10 years, i.e. 70 years (Psalms 90:10). It is really not a very long runway compared with eternity. Those of us who had dabble with the term “infinity” in mathematics, with the symbol ∞, we recognize it is an immeasurable unit. A simple layman’s definition is this: “If you remove a part from infinity or add a part to infinity, still what remains is infinity.” Therefore the sense of urgency is very dependent on one’s worldview of eternity. If there’s no eternity, that life starts and ends on earth randomly, then what we do really doesn’t matter. We are just a fluke of nature. But if what we do matter for eternity, that changes the equation!

We are sojourners and pilgrims on this earth (1 Peter 2:11, NKJV) and Apostle Paul said it with absolute certainty in his desire that it is far better for him to be with Christ in eternity, but for our sake, to remain on earth with “fruitful labor” (Philippians 1:22-24). What drives some to forsake the pleasure of temporal earthly living to look forward to eternal rewards? This is what I call having an eternal perspective, or a balance and right perspective of life and eternity.

Often we are asked a hypothetical icebreaker question meant to provoke our minds: “If you have only one month to live, what would you do differently?” This may be hypothetical for us, but for those who had to literally live with that “death sentence” due to a terminal disease, it completely changed the way they live their lives. Two powerful books[1] come to mind and it would benefit your soul to read them.

With this perspective in mind, let me ask you the same question in a different way: “At whatever stage of your life journey right now, what would you do differently and how would this influence the way you will be living your life from now on until the finishing line?” It is not my intention to have you look back and then live with regrets. It is asking the hard question of changing course if there’s a need to. If we make regular and wise midcourse corrections, we can avert many life crises. Are we able to close our eyes and see in our mind what our final lap and the finishing line will be like? Some of us have a longer runway than others, but whatever it is, you can do something about it from here on.

What is your life verse that can help you to live life more deliberately and intentionally, not just for yourself, but for those you have influence over, especially your family members? King David prayed this way: “Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” (Psalms 90:12)

Have a great life!

---

[1] Fear no Evil (by David Watson) and Tuesdays with Morrie (by Mitch Albom)

Life Seasonings - Principle 7 of 10

Principle 7:  Walk in freedom 
(Walk light)

If we can have the ability to see the unseen in people, what will we see? In my imaginative mind, I see people with black backpacks on their backs with all sorts of things imaginable that they have accumulated along their life’s journey. Some have their backpacks so stuffed up that they are struggling to move, fumbling under the sheer weight. Some have even collapsed to the ground and not able to move at all. Yet I see others skipping joyfully around on very light backpacks, almost empty, with tell-tale signs of a carefree life. They can stop, walk or run with absolute ease.

And there are many types of people somewhere in between these two extremes. Two persons may have the same redemptive experience in the saving grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, yet they are not the same in the way they walk (or run) their life’s journey. That’s why some Christians seem to be living their Christian life passionately whilst others drag their feet.

All Christians may start on the same line, that is, we are totally set free in Him. “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” (Galatians 5:1) But not all will run at the same pace and the same distance. Others are totally distracted from the journey and some, sadly, go backwards. If we have spiritual eyes to see, we see Christians with differing passion and love for God, weighed down by heavy or light backpacks. What makes one Christian on fire for Him and another living mediocrely and half-heartedly?

As a pastor, I have counseled many people. One common trait among those seeking help is this: They carry very heavy burdens in their lives. Although technically they have been set free from their sins at the point of their conversion, yet they continue to stuff back the very things they have left behind as new Christians. Sometimes they add on many other things as well.  Jesus puts it another way in the parable of the sower (Matthew 13:1-23). The seeds that were scattered fell into four places: on the path, rocky places, among the thorns and on good soil. The seeds represent the message of God that was sown into the hearts of men. The seed that fell on the path is liken to a man who has heard the message, but it is snatched away immediately by the evil one. It has no chance to grow. The person remains unfruitful. The second seed is liken to a man who receives the message with joy but because there’s no depth or root in the way the message has an effect in his life, and when trouble comes, he too falls away. The third man is choked with the worries of life and the deceitfulness of wealth, he is unfruitful in his Christian life by default. But the fourth man, who hears the message, understands and applies it, becomes a fruitful man, passionate about life and useful for the kingdom of God.

It is good to inspect right now what kind of Christians you are at this stage of your life. Regular inspection of broken walls, as Nehemiah did before he re-built the walls in Jerusalem, is a necessary part of maintaining a passion for God and living fruitful lives. Which type are you?

a.      You made a profession of faith before but the devil stole everything from you even before you made a start?

b.      Were you discouraged along the way because you couldn’t handle problems and you have been blaming God and others ever since?

c.       Are you distracted by worldly cares and values, are distracted and living mediocrely as a result? Somehow things just don’t make sense in this unending pursuit.

All the three above are big time contributors to your backpack. This list is not exhaustive of course. We are talking here about every sin that you have disobediently committed that grieves the heart of God in every conceivable area of money, sex and power, or as Apostle John puts it in 1 John 2:16 (NKJV) – the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life. For every commission of sin, we add another item into our backpack.

Christ has set us free. Why have we robbed ourselves and allowing the evil one to rob us of that freedom? The passionate plea of Apostle Paul is “Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery” It is so easy to go back again to our old life. Repent from your ways, stand firm and be like the fourth man, and the journey that you will embark from then on will be an incredible one. So, walk light and walk free!

Life Seasonings - Principle 6 of 10

Principle 6:  Grow Well and Deep 

(Be Like An Oak Tree)

“Superficiality is the curse of our age. The doctrine of instant satisfaction is a primary spiritual problem. The desperate need today is not for a greater number of intelligent people, or gifted people, but for deep people.” A profound statement made at the very beginning by Richard Foster in his book “Celebration of Discipline”.

Often we want and desire to extend the breadth of our influence in our ministry or career and these are the obvious and tangible things we see in our outward accomplishments. The downside is that if we are not careful, we get sucked into this curse of superficiality. We are uncomfortable with these inconsistencies because we have an in-built integrity check called “conscience”, an innate desire in our spirit to operate ethically or morally and be the kind of person exhibiting godly character and strength. We would like to grow well in breadth but we also know, like a tree, if it is without a deep root system, we will fall and crumble when floods and wind come. The oak tree is a common symbol of strength and endurance and has been chosen as the national tree of many nations. From just a sapling, it grows into a giant that spread its branches, seeking light to nourish itself and searching with roots deep into the ground for water. What we can’t see are the hidden roots that feeds the majesty of the tree.

Many people may start well but they finish miserably at the end of their lives, or at best mediocrely. As the adage goes, “We live the first half of our life learning how to live the second half better.” With the experience of our first half, we hope to build a wealth and reservoir of godly wisdom, deep-rooted character that will enable us to live a remarkable second half. By remarkable I don’t mean the spectacular. I mean living life with a sense of destiny and purpose. I have always believed life really begins in our forties, the second half of our life. It will be much more exciting and significant because we would by then have the experience, wisdom, influence, respect and esteem to do what we can’t before when we were younger, and influencing many like-minded others alongside our cause. What many don’t realize are the bad decisions they had made in the first half which caused them to climb the corporate ladder, by hook or by crook, and having reached the top, to realize they are on the wrong wall! By then, climbing down and starting all over again on the right wall would be a little too late because the runway is so short and some consequences are irreversible.

Why is growing deep important? I have learnt earlier in ministry this important principle: “Don’t go places where your gifts take you but your character cannot sustain you.” It simply means that if you don’t intend to grow deep, then be very careful about going wide. If we take care of the depth of our life, God will take care of the breadth.

Why is it difficult to grow deep? Because it takes dedicated time, dogged determination and disciplined commitment. We live in an age that expects instant answers, gives up too quickly and easily distracted. We have more to eat, more to spend and more to enjoy, yet are we any better on the inside? There is certainly an ongoing search for a greater sense of purpose, fulfillment and significance. The world cries out for people with high ethical and moral standards.

We are all too familiar with the term IQ (Intelligent Quotient) that tells us something about our mental capability and capacity. Then someone invented the term EQ (Emotional Quotient) that reveals our abilities in handling our feelings and that of others. Now, another term emerges, SQ (Spiritual Quotient). It is about the ability to handle one’s life purpose, about growth, maturity, fulfillment and significance. As a Christian, this is not new. The concept of spirit, soul and body (1 Thes 5:23) and inward regeneration (Titus 3:5) is taught in Scripture and it is this regenerated spiritual man that is in tune with God who allows for that depth of life and character.

Why is growing in depth important for the Christian? Because it glorifies God and his life becomes a blessing to all those around him. He charges people up, rather than discharging them. His life becomes a source of refuge and strength. “He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.” Psalm 1:3

“So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.” Colossians 2:6-7

Wouldn’t you want to go near a man or woman like this?

Life Seasonings - Principle 5 of 10

Principle 5:  Have a good sense of humor 

(Learn to laugh)

It is medically known that some human diseases are psychosomatic in nature where symptoms of the sufferers are caused by mental processes rather than immediate physiological causes. In other words, it is the problem of the mind, caused by stresses of modern day living that manifest itself in a physical way, although nothing is wrong physically with the person. A 1996 Malaysian national health study found mental illness to be prevalent in about 10.7% of the population. This is a scary thought that 1 in every 10 Malaysian are mentally ill to some extent. The facts seem to indicate a surge in mental illness due to the ill effects of urbanization, stress and poor mental health.

The Bible has already addressed this. Proverbs 15:13 A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit. Science has long ascertained that our minds and bodies are interrelated. The Bible takes it one step further to say so are our spirits. 1 Thessalonians 5:23b May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Psalm 139:14a I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Our bodies are truly amazing creation of God that is able to heal itself. If you accidently cut yourself, or your mouth starts to have an ulcer, you can be assured that a few days later, the affected area will be well covered up by new skin and the germs that have gotten into the body annihilated. Doctors will tell you that if you are positive in outlook during an illness, half your battle is already won. When we are joyful in the spirit, the mind senses that on its radar screen and releases chemicals in our bodies that are instrumental in enhancing the immune system to help fight diseases in our bodies. The ravages of processed and chemical-laden food, coupled with man-made pollution and stressed of modern living, have reduced these fighting capacities of our bodies. While these may be hard to control, the joy of the Lord is within our reach. Nehemiah 8:10 “ …. the joy of the Lord is your strength.”

A cardiologist in India has even started a laughing club to cope with modern stresses. Club members gather together early in the morning or during lunch breaks, do some stretching exercises and then just laugh together after that for forty minutes. This phenomenon of the healing power of laughter has now spread to more than 1300 clubs worldwide and it simply goes to show that we don’t laugh enough nowadays.

This is not an article to explain the miracles of our human body, but rather to emphasize the point that there is within us the fruit of the spirit of “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” (Galatians 5:22-23). Joy must come from within, in spite of challenging circumstance without. Christians are to be the ones that exhibit the peace of the Lord in all situations. God has exhorted us not to be worried or anxious about life, but to trust God in all circumstances (Proverbs 3:5-6; 1 Peter 5:7). Life is difficult enough with its daily problems and if we don’t develop a good sense of humor about life, even to laugh candidly at ourselves some times, we are in for a heavy and depressing ride. Often we tend to think of our Lord Jesus as someone who is sober and magnanimously stern. Seldom do we imagine Jesus laughing with his disciples. Yet I really do believe they often laugh together in their journeys. If you read the Gospels somewhat in between the lines, in the light of the wits and humor of our Lord Jesus in dealing with different people, you will be surprised to know that Jesus was no stranger to the role of humor in lifting deadly weight of burdens from our shoulders. Try imagining Jesus explaining Mark 10:25 It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. Try Matthew 17:24-27 or Matthew 23:24 (Camels’ jokes!) where Jesus pictures the legalistic Pharisees as fastidious diners, doing their best to strain a gnat from their soup, but swallowing a whole camel in the process. In Jesus’ spoken language of Aramaic, the humor is even more pronounced where the word for gnat is galma, while the word of camel is gamla. See the pun? To prove my point, there are three books I know that has these titles: The Humor of Christ (Elton Trueblood, 1964); The Humor Of Jesus: Sources of Laughter in the Bible (Earl Palmer, 2001); The Humor of Jesus (Henri Cormier, 1977).

The point is, often, we see Christians with long solemn faces. Fun, joy, laughter and humor are the exception rather than the norm. I believe we all need a good sense of humor in our lives. Learning to laugh at yourself is good start. Life will be much easier! Cheers!

Life Seasonings - Principle 4 of 10

Principle 4: Make time for people 
(Leave them better than when you found them)

Consider these statements. “Where there are people, there are problems. Where there are no people, there are no problems. Wouldn’t the world be a better place without people?” These statements are in the context of a training dealing with relationship problems. We recognize that the root of all problems in the world has to do with dealing rightly or wrongly with another human being. In other words, although we can’t live with people, we can’t live without them either. The fact remains that we are created by God to live in community and we crave for it. (Genesis 2:18 - "It is not good for the man to live alone.") These cravings reflect positively in love but negatively in an unhealthy pursuit of that acceptance from, and significance in, people. To put it succinctly in an adage: “We buy things we do not need, with money we don’t have, to impress people we don’t even like.” If there are no people to impress, there would not be any necessity to accumulate more and more. We can only eat so much, wear so much and play so much. Anything more than that is a deprivation of these resources to someone else in the world.

This is the oxymoron bit. People are extremely important to us but our lifestyles and priorities do not seem to point to that. We hurt the very people we loved, by accumulating wealth which we think are good for them, with the time that was meant for them. We backstab and step over people to do that and we created for ourselves a dog-eat-dog world.

When we live within the right context of community, we receive strength and contribute to its betterment. When we don’t, we take something away from it and leave the community a worse place than it was before. Therefore in that sense, there are really two kinds of people in this world. Those that give to it and those that takes away. Candidly, my question to each of us would be:  Do we leave people charged up, or discharged?

 “We were once people living in darkness. We have now seen a great light.” (Matthew 4:16) The Bible also says in Ephesians 5:8 “For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light.” Light conveys warmth and life. It gives energy. Darkness takes away. It is cold and silent. Those of us who have seen the light and are in the light, we are to be a source of encouragement and growth to those around us. When we are around other people, there’s more life in them after we leave. Do you have people in your life that when you run into them, your face naturally lights up? Conversely, are there people in your life that when you see them coming your way, there is a natural urge inside you that makes you take the opposite direction, unless you are cornered and are forced to greet them. What kind of person are you to others around you? Do people’s faces brighten up when they chance upon you? Do they look forward to see you? Or are you avoided at all cost? This is a sobering thought and something we would rather deny than to confront because it is uncomfortable.

As a people helper, I constantly feel discharged by the issues I help people with. The Lord recharges me daily but being a social creature, I need people to recharge me too. So the best thing I can do for myself is to learn to regularly go near people who can charge me up. These are the people that I look forward to seeing and they encouraged me and help me see the bright side of life. This is a human need, and it is biblical too, as the Apostle Paul exhorts us to do these to one another: encourage, honor, love, edify, honor, be devoted to, accept, care, forgive, greet, be kind, be compassionate, comfort, live in peace with, to be kind with, and the list goes on. These are the actions that charge others up.

How would you know which kind you are? I encourage (or dare!) you to ask someone who would be honest enough with you. Try your wife, husband, parents, children, cell members, cell leader, pastor, colleagues, friends and even your maids!

May I challenge you to be a people charger? Give energy, not take away! Make time for people and leave them better than when you found them.

Life Seasonings - Principle 3 of 10

Principle 3: Have Peace (Will it matter in a thousand years?)

A non-Christian couple, plagued with a troubled marriage, came to see me recently in the office. Out of sheer desperation, they had even resorted to paging through the Yellow Pages seeking for the services of psychologists. They consulted one picked from the list and were disappointed with the first session. A DUMC ex-colleague of the wife suggested that they seek the help of the church and hence both ended up in front of me in the counselling room. It was written all over their faces the absence of peace. Frowns on their faces seem like permanent features. I spent the next one hour dissecting their problems and the pleasant conclusion to both of them at the end of that time was that they realized the sum of their individual problems seen insurmountable in the beginning. By taking the problems individually, they were able to see that there was no justifiable issue to consider a separation. A smile broke out at the end of the session and you can literally see peace returning to their faces.

What are the roots of their problem? Firstly, it is in trying hard to change the other person and secondly, the inability to adapt to each other. Often, we try too hard to change people to suit us. And if wisdom prevails, we would have recognized that we can’t change someone unless he is WILLING to change! No amount of nagging, cajoling and threat can change a person. Yet we often get upset and frustrated when we can’t. For example, when an inconsiderate driver rudely cuts into your lane, your natural reaction would be to get upset at the inappropriate violation of your space and pretty soon some not so nice thoughts begin to form in your head. If only you could teach him a lesson or change the way he drives! In Life Skills training, we call this “catching someone else’s monkey”. There are times we need to accept the fact that we can’t really change a person.

So in a marriage, for example, I have often said to young potential marriage partners that they should not go into their marriage with the aim of hoping to change each other to be like them. They will get very disappointed if they try. Funnily, most couples are attracted to each other simply because they are different and yet it is these very differences that threaten to split them apart later in their marriage. I am marrying you because of what you can bring into my life of which I am in lack. The truth is that they need to adapt to each other’s differences. Adaptability therefore negates the need for absolute compatibility. Rather than asking who is the one most compatible to me (which is very self-centered), I seek for someone I can adapt to (which is very other-centered). This is a great formula for successful marriages and therefore peace in relationship. Young people often go into marriages with half opened eyes, in a dreamy state, saying their vows with their fingers crossed and hoping for the best. Then immediately their eyes are wide opened as they live with one another exclaiming “This is not the man (or woman) I married!” In DUMC, we try to reverse the trend. Say your vow with wide open eyes so that you really mean what you say and say what you mean. After that, half close your eyes and overlook each other idiosyncrasies and start adapting to one another.

Often we fight over the most trivial of things. It is usually never over the ‘big’ things that get us into trouble with one another, but the small things, accumulated over time that when summed up together becomes insurmountable. The lack of peace is a reflection of the heart, of always wanting to have things our way and the inability to adapt to circumstances or people, whether consciously or not. A mark of pride hangs over our neck for others to conform to us rather than God.

Our Lord is the Prince of Peace. He said in John 14:27 (NIV) Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. That means we need to realize He is in PERFECT control of everything, even with the person who is annoying you or the situation that discourages you.

Whenever my wife and I fight (we are still works-in-progress!) we remind ourselves, “Will it matter in a thousand years?” Often it will not matter and the issue is laid to rest as we learn to adapt to one another. HAVE PEACE!

Life Seasonings - Principle 2 of 10

Principle 2 : Marry your best friend (Till the day you die)

Marriage is a life-time commitment. At the wedding altar, couples exchanged their vows: “For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part.” It is a vow made where there are no exceptions to the rule, irreconcilable differences or circumstances that can break the marriage vow. The Lord himself confirmed the original intent of God in life-long commitment (Matthew 19:8). Certainly we don’t marry just to have a companion because many other people can be good companions. It would be naïve to suggest that one should marry because it is time to do so. Putting two people together for a life-time commitment who have absolutely nothing in common with each other is to invite disaster on an unprecedented scale, if you do not know this yet! One is a man and the other a woman, how different can you get?

I remember an adage: Don’t marry someone you can live with. Marry someone whom you can’t live without. Hmmm … that’s a good thought. One plus one, in a marriage, should not be two, but maybe five, or even ten. What can’t I do as single, which I can only do when I get married, apart from having babies, that is? I cannot fathom the thoughts of some married people who seem to give the impression that they are ‘stuck’ in an unhappy marriage. Instead of being a blessing to each other and the people around them, they spend their entire married life putting out fires in their relationship. How terrible that must be, considering that you are to live with each other for 40 or 50 years. No wonder they take the easy way out – divorce. The kind of brokenness that results must be heart-breaking, especially if there are children involved.

To those looking for a life-long mate, the point is simple. If you are to live with someone for the next 40 or 50 years, you jolly well marry someone who is your best friend, someone you can really truly enjoy being together with. He or she must be your best friend that you will learn to love and accept unconditionally. Not that there are no valleys in the relationship, but in these circumstances, the stronger one holds the weaker one up. Best friend become “best-ter” friends over the years and best friends never quit on each other. Best friends operate interdependently and are secure with each other’s uniqueness and successes. Solomon wife’s calls him “This is my lover, this is friend.” (Song of Solomon 5:16)

Life Seasonings - Principle 1 of 10

Principle 1 : It’s my fault (Taking personal responsibility)

We play the blame game all the time. When something goes wrong, it is always somebody else’s fault. We rarely admit we are in the wrong as first response. This is the sinful state of our human mind which originated with Adam and Eve: “She made me do it.” “The Serpent deceived me.” (Genesis 3:12,13) Counsellors call it blame-shifting. It doesn’t matter whether we are young or old, we blame-shift all the time and the greatest disservice that happens when we do that is we don’t see the plank right in front of our eyes (Matthew 7:1-5).

As Christians, we are to learn to be over comers in our life. I heard in one of Rev. Dr. A.R. Bernard’s talk: “We are not human beings trying to have a spiritual experience. Rather, we are spiritual beings trying to master our earthly circumstances.” What a profound biblical truth put in a fresh new way! We often adopt a fatalistic outlook in life, that we have no control over our circumstances and hence the choices we can make. “My circumstances forced me to behave this way”, when often it is the refusal to take personal responsibilities that is the problem.

When we point our index finger at someone, the other three fingers are pointing back at us. When things go wrong, while we can’t control the circumstances or other people, we can certainly and must control our responses. Maturity is about having the courage to admit that I am at fault and will take responsibility over my contribution to the problem and allow others to realize theirs. When this is an agreed ground rule to relationship, can you imagine the impact it has to human society. There will be no more wars!