Is there a perfect husband or wife out there?

Last Friday night at my cell group meeting, we celebrated the 22nd wedding anniversary of a dear couple by putting them on a hot seat for the young adults to glean life lessons from on a marriage with a combined total of 44 years of marriage experience and three children later. I have often said to young people that wisdom is about asking the right questions. Our education system, and even the way our church celebrations or services are structured, they are often more than not monologues. Jesus' style of discipling was usually done by sitting around in a circle, facing one another and mutually asking good and provoking questions. You see that often in their dialogues found in the Gospels, whether in a room, in the field, in their journeys, or literally any and everywhere. Sometimes Jesus would answer their questions with another question. 

Google has introduced a whole new culture of information overload. The wisdom of google is not in the answers that can be found there. There are tons and tons of answers and information. It is in asking the right question that Google is at its best. Let me qualify by saying too that the answers may not necessarily be correct or truthful. A great amount of discernment and wisdom is needed to filter them correctly

Good questions were asked of this couple. How do you know you are right for one another? Is it about compatibility? Is it about communications? What roles do parents play for their children in matters of a life partner? How do you maintain the sizzle or passion in your marriage? How do you keep going with all the challenges? How does having children alter your relationship? 

One thing this couple can attest to is the importance of pre-marital counselling which is vital to prepare the couple for what's ahead. I have realized too that generally speaking there is no such thing as a compatible couple. The moment you think you are, you will be in for a big surprise because living together in the same house is a whole new ball game altogether with both coming from completely different family background and culture. Before marriage, when they have a disagreement, they can go home and not see each other for a while until things cool down. When they are married, they do not have such a luxury. There is no "going home" because they are at home. They sleep on the same bed in tension. They just need to work things out eventually and conflict resolution is an important skill of learning to listen, negotiate and compromise. I would call that the skill of adapting. Therefore the issue is not about compatibility, but adaptability. Learning to adapt is a posture of love. It is not about what we can get out of a relationship only, but how we can give to it. In fact, "agape" love is unconditional. Meaning, we love not because of, but in spite of. That's the vow couples made to one another at the wedding altar.

For better for worse,

For richer for poorer,

In sickness and in health,

To love and to cherish,

Till death do us part,

And hereto I pledge you my faith.

Hence marriage is laboratory of relationship of learning how to love unconditionally. Only when love is worked out this way can we find deep fulfilling relationship knowing that we are genuinely loved. How often people get into marriage to get, and when they cannot find what they are looking for, they opt out. Where can we learn how love to love like this? We can only learn that from Someone who had loved like this.

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:6-8) 

One last tip I gave was to observe the person how he (or she) treats people above him, next to him and below him. Watch how he respects authority, whether it is to his parents, bosses, pastors or leaders. Watch how he treats his friends, colleagues and cell group members. Then most importantly, watch how he treats people "below" him, his subordinates, the underprivileged, disabled, or poor, and most interestingly, watch how he treats children. It will give you a clue what kind of person you will be living with and the culture of relationship with whom you will forge together for your family.

So, no, there is no perfect husband or wife out there. If you find one, don’t marry that person because you will make him or her imperfect! Worse still, you will be terribly disappointed and disillusioned over a broken dream because there is no such perfection. Happy “hunting!”

Looking at each other for a lifetime!

I have the joy of sharing at a 30^th wedding anniversary recently. One of the privileges I have as a pastor is to share the Word of God at services or celebrations of weddings, funerals, anniversaries, birthdays and baby dedications. In my usual inclination to observe life in the context of relationships, I cannot help but recognise that celebrated at all these events are not the things we have accumulated, the awards and recognitions we have garnered or the career promotions we have earned. One motivational author rightly titled the first chapter of his book on life’s priorities – “No one at their death bed wished they had spent more time in their office.” I have often asked people what kind of photos they keep in their wallets. I have yet to find someone who keeps a photo of their boss! It is always a photo of our family or someone close to us.

I am therefore reminded personally at all these instances that family and friends are the most important in my life; not things, accolades or achievements. In preaching or sharing these messages, I hold myself accountable in integrity each time by trying to practice what I preach. In some sense, being a pastor helps because of repetitive reminders to myself from the Word of God!

My wife and I will be celebrating our 24^th wedding anniversary this year. We are six years short of the 30^th and as long as the Lord keeps us on this earth until then, we intend to stay blissfully married still. If there’s any encouragement at this 30^th anniversary for those present, especially those who are single, courting or the newly married, it is to inspire them with confidence that it is possible to stay happily married, even after many years.

In this particular sharing, I thought about my life with my wife, who is also my best friend. I have cracked many jokes at weddings and my favourite one is a quote by Socrates: “By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” I have not become a philosopher yet! Wedding jokes serve as a warning to the newly wed, and in a light hearted manner, communicating the message that getting married is the easy part. Staying married is the real challenge.

Mark Twain candidly said, “Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.” Amy Bloom, an award winning author puts it beautifully, “Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.”

The institution of marriage is one that God ordained to portray to us how deep and intimate a human relationship can be. The husband and wife is the closest of all and it is meant to be a training ground by which our children will later in their married lives imitate what they see and caught from our marriage relationship. Marriage requires the exercise of the full range of the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. How that is worked out will either leave them with excited anticipation of their own marriage, or settling into a mediocre one.

We have known in the practice of discipleship that more is caught than taught. Our children learn more from how we live with our spouse, rather than what we tell them. I have basically simplified discipleship to be one of following the examples of another. In the words of Apostle Paul, it is about imitating someone else. Therefore I urge you to imitate me. (1 Cor 4:16) Imitate me, just as I also imitate Christ. (NKJV) (1 Cor 11:1)

Modelling is the most powerful form of reproducing our lives. Rev Theodore Hesburgh embodied this truth in this way: “The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” The father shows by example how to love his wife and family. Our parents have a great influence in how we will live our marital lives eventually. Whether we like it or not, we do not have a choice in whether we want to be a model. We are either a good or bad one. The choice we do have is to decide which one we would like to be.

All these remind me of Psalm 128. The most powerful example we can model to our children is the fear of God. The Bible tells us that the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom, helps us find knowledge and avoids sins. This is a rarity among corporate, political or even religious leaders of today. Vines and olive trees are frequently paired in the Old Testament because wine and oil played a central role in the lives of the people. When you are able to sit around the table with your family in joy, peace and contentment, then each family meal is a banquet of joy. That’s what really counts at the end of the day as the fruit of looking at each other for a lifetime!