Looking for Mr. or Miss Right?

There seems to be an increase in the number of weddings over the last few year. Not surprisingly so because the church is growing and the number of young adults have increased too in our midst. A significant number of them are single and hopefully, eligible. But you may ask, “What do you mean ‘eligible’? As long as he or she is single, they should be eligible, right?”

Interestingly, let us look at the definition of eligibility, in the context of marriage. The online dictionary (www.thefreedictionary.com) defines eligibility as: “Desirable and worthy of choice, especially for marriage: an eligible bachelor.”

I like the word “worthy”, which the same dictionary defines as: “Having worth, merit, or value; honorable; admirable.” Getting into a marriage relationship is therefore not just about “the time is right”, “I am already getting too old” or “I found the person of my dreams”. These are not good enough reasons, if they are the only reasons you have. In our self-centered thinking we look around for someone who will fit into our mould of who our spouse should be. We look for someone who can give into this relationship, rather than whom I can give to. He or she would need to serve our kind of desires for our kind fulfillment in life. This whole process has become so self-centered, contrary to an other-centered relationship in a healthy marriage. The scary part about the whole thing is that we will all soon discover that none of us could ever fulfill what our spouse expect of us and that’s when we begin to hear phrases like “That’s not the man (or woman) I married!”

You see, we go into a relationship looking for Miss Right, forgetting that an equally, or more, important thing that we need to do is to BE Mr. Right first. We look for eligibility in others, forgetting that we need to ask ourselves, are we in the first place, desirable and worthy of choice? Occasionally I hear some young adults lamenting to me about the inability to find a potential mate and they expressed the desire to go to another ocean to look for fish. Eventually some do leave and a few returned and said, “Pastor, there’s no eligible fish in that ocean too!” I had jokingly said to them that it's because they are sharks! All the fish will be scared away. Ouch!!

Before they start pointing a finger about why there are no eligible partners around, or that the church is not doing enough to provide a good catchment area, they should ask the first question: “Am I eligible myself?” And I am not talking about whether you are smart, wealthy or good looking. I am talking about an inner beauty and strength that transcends all these; a beauty in character and inner life, a godliness and holiness that is an inherent hallmark, possessing a humble leadership over your own life and others that you become a fragrance of Christ that attracts.

Godly character takes years to build. A few years ago in my conversation with my then sixteen year old eldest son, Ian, I remember telling him that if he invests in building godly characters and a love for God in his teenage years, there is no reason why he should be worried about finding the right mate. Of course I am assuming too that when the inner character is in place, what flows out of his life is the fruit of the Holy Spirit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Not that it is a guarantee of success but he would have rule out his side of his ineligibility first and let God do the rest. I am assured that Adam was deep in sleep when God brought Eve into his life. He didn’t strive to look for a partner. God knew the loneliness in Adam and try as He may to bring other animals to be His companion, God knew it is only a special kind of lady that would complete Adam’s life. There is a sense of restedness that Adam had.

When one become Mr. Right, he presents himself as one maturing in Christ, trusting in God for his daily provision and fulfillment of his needs. I have often told courting couples that the best gift one can give to each other at the wedding altar in the sight of God and witnesses, is a maturing man or woman who loves God deeply and is prepared to include God as a full partner in their marriage.

This maturing process does not end at the wedding day. It continues right through our marriage “until death do us part”. So whether you are single, courting or married, are you the Mr. or Miss Right?

Forgive and Forget

We often hear about the need to "forgive and forget". This advice is an important one because the root of all problems in our life is the problem of unforgiveness. We don't get along 100% and no matter how "compatible" we are to another person, we will still find something that we do not share commonality with. This is the hallmark of relationship and we better get used to that idea.

I smile often when young courting couples come excitingly to me asking for the church to start pre-marital counselling with them. The naive dreamy-like way they go about their relationship suggest that they do not know each other well enough to realize that the biggest challenge to their relationship will come in the first two years of their marriage. Couples only really learn to love each other when they are married and staying together in the same house. The real test of their relationship comes when they find out how incompatible they are and still able to willingly adapt to each other's idiosyncrasies. 

The biblical standard of love is "agape". I love you not because of, but in spite of. Love often is not associated with the feeling of "liking" somebody. Love is not just a feeling. It is always a choice. That's real love. God loves us while we were still sinners. There's nothing good and nice about us, but He loves us anyway. That's why Jesus said to "love your enemies". It's obvious that we don't 'like' our enemies but to suggest that we must like them first would be a humanly impossible task. Thankfully we know loving and liking can be mutually exclusive as a start. Liking may come later but it is not a necessary prerequisite to start loving.

Just to test the theory, let's look at 1 Cor 13:4-8

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

Notice that love is not a feeling word here. It is a "doing" word. We can do all these without the need to like. Liking may or may not come. It is not the end goal. Love is the end goal. It is like saying "joy" is more than "happiness" because the latter is dependent on circumstances while the former is in spite of circumstances.

Do a quick exercise now. Substitute the word "Love" above with your name and your role. For e.g. if you are a husband, then you can say "Chris as a husband is patient. Chris as a husband is kind. And so on." or "Chris as a father is patient. Chris as a father is kind." Apply this test to your different roles and you will be amazed how much or how little we are able to love others. Unforgiveness often reveals more about ourselves than we would like to admit. This can be an opportunity of great growth in our lives.

Let's come back to the point about "forgive and forget". The idea behind this phrase subtly suggests that we should feel okay about the person and it is possible to really mentally forget. Guilt sets upon our hearts if we still have the tinge of dislike. If that is the case, then we may have gotten it all wrong. We know we can never forget. Our brains are not like a hard disk where we can "clean wipe" the entire hardware without leaving any remnants of its memory that can be recovered later. Scientists suggest that we have short and long term memories. I would surmise that hurts in relationship would burn deep into our conscious and subconscious mind as long term memory which is impossible to erase.

So how does one forgive and forget? Let me first ask a question, how does one know he/she is healed from a pain. Imagine a cut on our arm. How do we know we are healed? We know we are healed when we press the wound and it is no longer painful. But we can still see the scar. It is there as a reminder of the cut but it doesn't bother us anymore. I believe to forgive and forget means that the wound does not bring anymore pain although the memory of it is still in technicolor. It's visually there but emotionally impervious. The forgetting part is not the memory of the event or person, but the part on the pain that we forget. We cannot recall the feeling of pain anymore.

I can relate to that. I can still recall various incidences when I was hurt. But thinking about them does not bring back the terrible pain that I went through then. It doesn't bother me anymore! In fact I can smile at them knowing the powerful lessons learnt. I now know I am totally healed. I can truly forgive and forget!

That's why the Scripture reminds us about not allowing the bitterness of our hearts to grow deep into our minds. 

Hebrews 12:14-15

14 Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. 15 See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

Forgiving and forgetting is a discipline that one must cultivate so that the roots of bitterness do not go too deep into our lives. Every gardener knows that when weeds are spotted, it is best to pull them out immediately before the roots go in too deep. If the roots are too deep in, every time we pull out the weeds, it will grow right back up from its root system. The writer of Hebrews have wisely counselled that unforgiveness is like weeds. Pull it out immediately!

Are there hurts and pains that you need to forgive and forget? Think about it, that you do not need to "like" but to make a choice today to think and do good to that person. If you are a Christian, pray for him or her for God's blessing. And do good to that person when opportunities arise. Such incidences often reveals the depravity of our own hearts, the inability to love as God would have us love. It won't be easy but we can lay our pains and hurts at the foot of the cross because He understands. Hebrews 4:14-16. I know it wouldn't be easy and praise God that we do not need to struggle through this alone.

Looking at each other for a lifetime!

I have the joy of sharing at a 30^th wedding anniversary recently. One of the privileges I have as a pastor is to share the Word of God at services or celebrations of weddings, funerals, anniversaries, birthdays and baby dedications. In my usual inclination to observe life in the context of relationships, I cannot help but recognise that celebrated at all these events are not the things we have accumulated, the awards and recognitions we have garnered or the career promotions we have earned. One motivational author rightly titled the first chapter of his book on life’s priorities – “No one at their death bed wished they had spent more time in their office.” I have often asked people what kind of photos they keep in their wallets. I have yet to find someone who keeps a photo of their boss! It is always a photo of our family or someone close to us.

I am therefore reminded personally at all these instances that family and friends are the most important in my life; not things, accolades or achievements. In preaching or sharing these messages, I hold myself accountable in integrity each time by trying to practice what I preach. In some sense, being a pastor helps because of repetitive reminders to myself from the Word of God!

My wife and I will be celebrating our 24^th wedding anniversary this year. We are six years short of the 30^th and as long as the Lord keeps us on this earth until then, we intend to stay blissfully married still. If there’s any encouragement at this 30^th anniversary for those present, especially those who are single, courting or the newly married, it is to inspire them with confidence that it is possible to stay happily married, even after many years.

In this particular sharing, I thought about my life with my wife, who is also my best friend. I have cracked many jokes at weddings and my favourite one is a quote by Socrates: “By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” I have not become a philosopher yet! Wedding jokes serve as a warning to the newly wed, and in a light hearted manner, communicating the message that getting married is the easy part. Staying married is the real challenge.

Mark Twain candidly said, “Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.” Amy Bloom, an award winning author puts it beautifully, “Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.”

The institution of marriage is one that God ordained to portray to us how deep and intimate a human relationship can be. The husband and wife is the closest of all and it is meant to be a training ground by which our children will later in their married lives imitate what they see and caught from our marriage relationship. Marriage requires the exercise of the full range of the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. How that is worked out will either leave them with excited anticipation of their own marriage, or settling into a mediocre one.

We have known in the practice of discipleship that more is caught than taught. Our children learn more from how we live with our spouse, rather than what we tell them. I have basically simplified discipleship to be one of following the examples of another. In the words of Apostle Paul, it is about imitating someone else. Therefore I urge you to imitate me. (1 Cor 4:16) Imitate me, just as I also imitate Christ. (NKJV) (1 Cor 11:1)

Modelling is the most powerful form of reproducing our lives. Rev Theodore Hesburgh embodied this truth in this way: “The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” The father shows by example how to love his wife and family. Our parents have a great influence in how we will live our marital lives eventually. Whether we like it or not, we do not have a choice in whether we want to be a model. We are either a good or bad one. The choice we do have is to decide which one we would like to be.

All these remind me of Psalm 128. The most powerful example we can model to our children is the fear of God. The Bible tells us that the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom, helps us find knowledge and avoids sins. This is a rarity among corporate, political or even religious leaders of today. Vines and olive trees are frequently paired in the Old Testament because wine and oil played a central role in the lives of the people. When you are able to sit around the table with your family in joy, peace and contentment, then each family meal is a banquet of joy. That’s what really counts at the end of the day as the fruit of looking at each other for a lifetime!

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

This anonymous quote stumped me for awhile. On the third read did I really figure out what it means and I think it is a gem. Having counselled many trouble marriages, while it is no laughing matter with the abundance of marriage jokes, I often wondered why these couples got married in the first place. I am still a firm believer that it is better not to be married and remain a single, than to be married to the "wrong" person and suffer for the rest of your life. The life-long pain of broken marriages is just not worth the trouble. 

So sad .....

So when you go to the wedding altar, let your eyes be very wide open, to know who you are marrying and whether you are prepared to adapt to everything you know about the person, warts and all. Do not go into a marriage with a futures option, meaning, you are marrying the future him/her. He may change, or he may not. Otherwise, you will singing the song of England Dan and John Ford Coley, "It's Sad to Belong". I love this song during my teenage years not too many years ago :) It reminded me to be really careful about who I would marry some day. I did make a right choice, thank God! My wife can echo that too.

There is no such thing as irreconcilable differences in a marriage. Even if you are not 100% sure that the man or woman you are marrying is THE person (God's will if you want to put it that way), but after you are married, you are 100% sure after the vows. He/She IS God's will because there should never be a divorce in marriage in the first place. (Matthew 19:4-6) You choose to make it 100% certain and no option B exist. You just have to make it work. Often marriages fail because it is defeated at a very early stage in the mind. No one in their right mind wants to marry with an option for divorce. Therefore Romans 12:1-2 talks about the renewing of the mind. What we think and how we think will determine the way we respond.

The question asked of the couple and the vows they made for each other:

Joe, will you have this woman to be your wedded wife, to live together in the holy estate of matrimony?  Will you love her, comfort her, honour and keep her, in sickness and in health; and forsaking all other keep you only unto her so long as you both shall live?

I, Joe, take you, Jane, to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge you my faith.

But sadly. couples, once madly in love with each other, can become the worst of enemies. I have seen this once too often. Hence the quote: Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

What Should Marriage Do to Us?

It is a busy weekend for me, with two weddings to officiate. I am often reminded of my own marriage when I do this, just as I am reminded of the frailty and purpose of life when I conduct a funeral. I have always encouraged the people present to reflect intentionally on their life during these occasions. In a wedding, we preach not just to the couple, but to all, whether married or single. In a funeral, it is for the living. That's why pastors and teachers of the Bible are in such a privilege position because we are reminded often about the role of Scriptures and God's commandments in our life. Conversely, we are also told that we will be judged more harshly because knowledge of the Bible is not just about knowing, but doing. (James 4:17 Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, sins.)

Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. (James 3:1) 

For much is given, much is also expected. 

From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked. (Luke 12:48)

But this is all good, because the exhortations are for our betterment unless we are foolish enough not to heed God's Word.

Matthew 7:24-27

 ²⁴ “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. ²⁵ The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. ²⁶But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. ²⁷ The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

At the wedding this morning, I quoted the following from Josh McDowell:

If you want to get married, you must make sure your marriage will give you a greater love for the Lord, the things of the Lord, a greater prospect of ministry. If not stay single.

Often young people get into marriage wondering what they can get out of it. In a godly maturing relationship, we learn how to give of ourselves into it. Love in the Bible is not merely a feeling word. It is not just about feeling good. It is about doing good to the other person even if we don't feel like it.

McDowell hits the nail on the head. In my paraphrase of what he is saying, 1 + 1 is not equal to 2, but 1 + 1 equal 10. If my marriage cannot bring me beyond what I can do for myself, then it will be a mediocre marriage. Physically, this is demonstrated in procreation. It is something I cannot do myself. I need my spouse for that. That's the synergistic nature of marriage. Emotionally, socially, cognitively and spiritually, we can multiply what's good in each other because we are married.

Therefore if marriage is purely for companionship, that's a low view of what this life-long relationship is meant to be. In fact, Apostle Paul likened the relationship between Jesus and His Church with that of a marriage. (Ephesians 5:22-33).

So young people, take note of the high calling of marriage.

Don't marry someone you can live with. 

Marry someone you can't live without.

Life Seasonings - Principle 3 of 10

Principle 3: Have Peace (Will it matter in a thousand years?)

A non-Christian couple, plagued with a troubled marriage, came to see me recently in the office. Out of sheer desperation, they had even resorted to paging through the Yellow Pages seeking for the services of psychologists. They consulted one picked from the list and were disappointed with the first session. A DUMC ex-colleague of the wife suggested that they seek the help of the church and hence both ended up in front of me in the counselling room. It was written all over their faces the absence of peace. Frowns on their faces seem like permanent features. I spent the next one hour dissecting their problems and the pleasant conclusion to both of them at the end of that time was that they realized the sum of their individual problems seen insurmountable in the beginning. By taking the problems individually, they were able to see that there was no justifiable issue to consider a separation. A smile broke out at the end of the session and you can literally see peace returning to their faces.

What are the roots of their problem? Firstly, it is in trying hard to change the other person and secondly, the inability to adapt to each other. Often, we try too hard to change people to suit us. And if wisdom prevails, we would have recognized that we can’t change someone unless he is WILLING to change! No amount of nagging, cajoling and threat can change a person. Yet we often get upset and frustrated when we can’t. For example, when an inconsiderate driver rudely cuts into your lane, your natural reaction would be to get upset at the inappropriate violation of your space and pretty soon some not so nice thoughts begin to form in your head. If only you could teach him a lesson or change the way he drives! In Life Skills training, we call this “catching someone else’s monkey”. There are times we need to accept the fact that we can’t really change a person.

So in a marriage, for example, I have often said to young potential marriage partners that they should not go into their marriage with the aim of hoping to change each other to be like them. They will get very disappointed if they try. Funnily, most couples are attracted to each other simply because they are different and yet it is these very differences that threaten to split them apart later in their marriage. I am marrying you because of what you can bring into my life of which I am in lack. The truth is that they need to adapt to each other’s differences. Adaptability therefore negates the need for absolute compatibility. Rather than asking who is the one most compatible to me (which is very self-centered), I seek for someone I can adapt to (which is very other-centered). This is a great formula for successful marriages and therefore peace in relationship. Young people often go into marriages with half opened eyes, in a dreamy state, saying their vows with their fingers crossed and hoping for the best. Then immediately their eyes are wide opened as they live with one another exclaiming “This is not the man (or woman) I married!” In DUMC, we try to reverse the trend. Say your vow with wide open eyes so that you really mean what you say and say what you mean. After that, half close your eyes and overlook each other idiosyncrasies and start adapting to one another.

Often we fight over the most trivial of things. It is usually never over the ‘big’ things that get us into trouble with one another, but the small things, accumulated over time that when summed up together becomes insurmountable. The lack of peace is a reflection of the heart, of always wanting to have things our way and the inability to adapt to circumstances or people, whether consciously or not. A mark of pride hangs over our neck for others to conform to us rather than God.

Our Lord is the Prince of Peace. He said in John 14:27 (NIV) Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. That means we need to realize He is in PERFECT control of everything, even with the person who is annoying you or the situation that discourages you.

Whenever my wife and I fight (we are still works-in-progress!) we remind ourselves, “Will it matter in a thousand years?” Often it will not matter and the issue is laid to rest as we learn to adapt to one another. HAVE PEACE!

Life Seasonings - Principle 2 of 10

Principle 2 : Marry your best friend (Till the day you die)

Marriage is a life-time commitment. At the wedding altar, couples exchanged their vows: “For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part.” It is a vow made where there are no exceptions to the rule, irreconcilable differences or circumstances that can break the marriage vow. The Lord himself confirmed the original intent of God in life-long commitment (Matthew 19:8). Certainly we don’t marry just to have a companion because many other people can be good companions. It would be naïve to suggest that one should marry because it is time to do so. Putting two people together for a life-time commitment who have absolutely nothing in common with each other is to invite disaster on an unprecedented scale, if you do not know this yet! One is a man and the other a woman, how different can you get?

I remember an adage: Don’t marry someone you can live with. Marry someone whom you can’t live without. Hmmm … that’s a good thought. One plus one, in a marriage, should not be two, but maybe five, or even ten. What can’t I do as single, which I can only do when I get married, apart from having babies, that is? I cannot fathom the thoughts of some married people who seem to give the impression that they are ‘stuck’ in an unhappy marriage. Instead of being a blessing to each other and the people around them, they spend their entire married life putting out fires in their relationship. How terrible that must be, considering that you are to live with each other for 40 or 50 years. No wonder they take the easy way out – divorce. The kind of brokenness that results must be heart-breaking, especially if there are children involved.

To those looking for a life-long mate, the point is simple. If you are to live with someone for the next 40 or 50 years, you jolly well marry someone who is your best friend, someone you can really truly enjoy being together with. He or she must be your best friend that you will learn to love and accept unconditionally. Not that there are no valleys in the relationship, but in these circumstances, the stronger one holds the weaker one up. Best friend become “best-ter” friends over the years and best friends never quit on each other. Best friends operate interdependently and are secure with each other’s uniqueness and successes. Solomon wife’s calls him “This is my lover, this is friend.” (Song of Solomon 5:16)

Fathers Club

I preached last weekend during Fathers' Day. It created quite a buzz in facebook and twitter. I think it is simply that there's something about the subject of fathers that is dear to our hearts. Check out my sermon summary if you interested in my newly created blog "DUMC Fathers Club".

Interestingly, I received about 100 forms from fathers and even single young adult men who are interested in this club. This has been on my mind for a couple of years and I believe it is the right time now to create a local movement in DUMC for fathering. I believe it will have a systemic effect on marriages, parenting, family life and church as a whole.

There are many resources out there and pray that we will be discerning which to use that will really move us fathers up a notch.

Happy Fathers' Day!