Déjà vu - Looking back through the years!

Noticed this comment in a Facebook comment on Edwin Tan's post:

Edwin Tan Chee Pin Constance Lo - i learnt this 14 years ago, when my oldest boy (Joseph) was 2 months old, and i was clueless on what to do. my senior pastor Chris Kam wrote on how he brings his sons out one-on-one each week. so i decided to try it - and it's the best 'piece of advice' i've had - easy to do, but yet so effective.

This was the article that I wrote in 2005 for Floodgates, 14 years' ago as Edwin mentioned. What a reminder that I am glad I invested into all my sons. They are now 14 years older and are now adults!

My Three Sons – Arrows in a Quiver  Nov-Dec 2005 Pr Chris Kam

A DUMC member came excitingly to me two weeks ago exclaiming that she met someone who knows me. She was at a function in another church and found out that this man, YK, who is my optometrist. YK had told her that something that I shared with him had encouraged him so much that he decided to do something about it. I remembered the incident and little did I know that a casual sharing would have led someone to radically change the way he parents his children.

This casual encounter happened in McDonald about two months ago where I was having supper with Ashton, my youngest 8-year old son. This was my regular weekly father-son time on a Monday after his music class. YK was having dinner with his family and as usual in his jovial self, he came over for a quick chat. “Where are your two other sons?” he asked. “There are no two other sons here. Just me and Ashton, our father and son time.” I could see that his ears pricked up trying to figure out what I mean. “What do you mean ‘father and son’ time?” he asked. “Exactly as I said, ‘father and SON’ time”, I replied, emphasizing the word ‘son’ in singular.

“I do this with each of my sons every week. Sort of like my usual pastoral appointments, but with my sons, instead of my church members, written down in my diary. It’s a weekly one: Monday afternoon with Ian (my 15-year old), Monday night with Ashton and Wednesday night with Shaun (my 10-year old). Non-negotiable, unless I am outstation or having an important meeting that cannot be changed.”

“Hmmmm…. “ YK muttered something under his breath. “All three every week … that must be tough considering the amount of time required if for each you spent two hours with. That must have taken a lot of discipline on your part.”

“I have been meeting like this with Ian since he was 4 years old. That’s eleven years in total sitting like this one on one, talking about anything and everything. Tough as it may be being man and boy, you know the male thingy of being bad conversationalists; we just learn to talk about everything under the sun. Of course there were silent moments but there is food to keep our mouth full!” We broke out in laughter with Ashton looking cute and wondering what these big fellas are up to.

“YK, it’s really hard work, and fattening too, because it always happens in a restaurant. I give them a choice where they would like to go. I am sick of roti canai and you would have figured out by now why. They love roti canai. But it’s cheaper.”

“But, it is extremely rewarding. For one, my sons cannot accuse me some day of dad not spending enough time with them. But the real value is in building a trust relationship that until today at 15 years old, Ian still shares with me about everything … including whom he likes, and you know, birds and bees stuff. I rather that he hears from me than from his peers, or the media. I am so glad that we didn’t really go through the ‘dad and mum my worst enemies’ teenage phase that I have been warned about. Ian said to me a few months back that I am his best friend and that’s the greatest compliment I think a father can receive from his son.”

By now, YK is furiously processing through in his mind the implication of what I am saying. He has three children himself, around the same ages, and I wasn’t really sure what he was up to until this was related to me. I was told that since he heard what I shared, not only has he and his wife started a one-on-one with their children, they have encouraged others in his church to start doing the same because they have found it so helpful in their parenting.

Something so simple, yet powerful. I am reminded of Psalm 127:3-5 Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate.

Parents, our children are like arrows. We are the archers. When they are properly shaped and sharpened, and in the hands of expert marksman, they will go the distance and to places where we can’t go ourselves. We need to think two generations ahead, so that they can become godly fathers themselves. The success of my life can only been seen when I am no longer around, that is, in the lives of my children’s children, that they will blessed by what I am doing now with my own children. That’s the heart cry of our heavenly Father. He’s a multi-generational God!

Fifth Commandment Children

On the final days of 2013, my wife and I reflected over dinner how our year had been. We reflected on our marriage, family, ministries and personal lives.

The 5th century BC philosopher Socrates said that “The unexamined life is not worth living.”  Slowing down enough to reflect is a luxury for most and for that matter, we have lost the art self-reflection entirely. In fact for some, being quiet with oneself is unnerving, if not downright awkward. Maybe we are trying to avoid condemning ourselves for not doing enough. But if we don’t, by default we are perpetuating annually that holy discontent in each of us to live our life responsibly. Maybe others simply want to take time to just regain a certain measure of sanity in life by doing nothing at all.

The call for self-examination is also a common exhortation in the Bible. “What is your life? You are mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.” (James 4:14) We are to do that regularly at Holy Communion: “A man ought to examine himself before he eats of the bread and drinks of the cup.” (1 Cor 11:28) We pray the words of the Psalmist “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.” (Ps 139:22). We are to heed the call of godly men: “Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord.” (Lamentation 3:40) “But if we judged ourselves, we would not come under judgment.” (1 Cor 11:31)

In our evaluation of our family, let me share a thought. We do recognise that we are often quite harsh with our children, sometimes to the point of not being objective in our assessment of them. We need to also praise them for what they have done well, not just being corrected for what they did not. In fact, I think we should do more of the former.

If we look at the Ten Commandments, also known as the Decalogue, the first four have to do with our vertical relationship with God. The next six are related to human relationships and interactions. Interestingly, the remaining six biblical principles of the Decalogue on our horizontal relationship with others, honoring our parents was mentioned first. 

“Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is giving you." (Deut. 5:16)

It seems to suggest that training a child to honor his parents has a long term effect for good, not just for the parents (obviously) but also for the child. It pleases God as well. If we unpack this further, we can confidently conclude that should we want to see how well a person will do in life, watch how he honors his parents. This has major implications in the way we parent our children. Often we look at the tangible successes of wealth, status and power, but we forget that these are not the things that bring significance, fulfilment and contentment in a person’s life. If that is so, we should see more of that in famous, wealthy and powerful people. But the truth is that we read about their downsides every day on the news.

Personally I have counselled many parents over the years grieving helplessly over their wayward adult children. Parents in their golden years are meant to enjoy the well-deserved honor and respect bestowed upon them by their children, but sadly the opposite is true. Maybe in our quest to do the best we can for them in what we think they want, we forget to train them in what they need. If children are to be trained to honor and respect their parents from young, where clear boundaries of discipline and relationship are drawn, the effect is far-reaching beyond their family. When the fifth commandment is taught well, there would not be a problem with the rest of the five horizontal commandments. It would have a backwash effect on the earlier vertical commandments of honoring God in their lives too.

We see the wisdom of God here that the root and foundation of a well lived godly life often starts in the home where our children spend the first 20 years of their lives in. As my wife and I reflect on our three boys, we ask ourselves the same questions, now that they are slowly one by one leaving the nest into the world: “Will they do well in life? Are they fifth commandment children?” If they are, it gives us a glimpse of what their life will be like, including our children’s children. Candidly among them, they have already discussed what role they will play in taking care of us when we are in our golden years. Ian will make sure we go on our holidays. Shaun will pay for our utility bills and Ashton offers to have us live with him. Not that we will tie them to it but Stella and I smile amusingly at their bantering but we have a glimpse of their hearts for us. This we know pleases the Lord. 

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.  (Pr 22:6)

Guardians or Fathers?

I have been surveying young adults with this question: “Is there someone in your life, someone older and wiser spiritually, whom you can turn to for godly counsel and advice?” Only one out of ten say they have one. I would presume from that answer they cannot even go to their parents, especially their fathers, for such a need. It saddens my heart that young people are left on their own to figure out what to do in life, or via their peers or the google. While they may have information at their fingertips, yet what they lack is the wisdom learned through experiences, hard knocks and spiritual maturity. Why should they repeat the same mistakes that others further down the journey had committed? Or on a positive note, take the route of successes?

It is clear from Scriptures that God is concern that history doesn’t repeat itself. Romans 15:4 “For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.” 1 Corinthians 10:11 “These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the fulfillment of the ages has come.” But our stubborn and sinful hearts are foolish enough often to ignore the wisdom that is already there, not just in the Bible, but also in older people who have “eaten more salt then we have eaten rice”. That is the beauty of generations and there should be no reason why any generation cannot do better than the previous one in terms of their moral influence and social impact.

There seems to be an invisible barrier. Sociologists have termed this as the generational gap and our Enemy relishes that fact. But it was never God’s design. We observe in Deuteronomy 6:4-9 that the family is central to God’s redemptive plan. He is the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, a clear affirmation of passing on of one’s birthright and heritage from one generation to the next. This is very much a relational model of the Jewish family, where the Shema is regularly recited. Certainly the spirit of this command is not merely a ritual that one goes through, but the deliberate connecting of hearts of the fathers to their children when they talked about the commandments of God in their daily living. In this fast pace society, we can understand the problems of tired fathers, who are present but not really present. One man shared honestly at a Men Alive! meeting: “We give our best at work and by the time we reach home, we are at our worst.” The fathers’ role is now limited to be a financial provider and disciplinarian of last resort. Mother-child relationship became central and fathers are peripheral. 

A child is more likely to see God as his Father if he sees God in his own father. Ken Canfield, author of “The 7 Secrets of Effective Fathers”, used this metaphor: “We are fathers like God is a father. We are walking object lessons to our children on who God is.” Malachi’s last words in the Old Testament were that the Elijah would come and “He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers.” (Malachi 4:6) When God unites the hearts of the fathers to their children, and vice versa, we are not merely talking about restoring the rightful authority the fathers have over their children, but the rightful relational ties with each other. Through that, generations thereafter will have a right understanding of who God is and right theology determines right behavior in fathering our children and showing them the way to have a personal relation with God.

My heart’s desire is to see intergenerational discipling starting first and foremost in the family. If discipling does not take place in the home, it will not take place in the church because the family unit is a microcosm of the wider Body. Fathers need to recognize that they are not merely legal guardians of their children. Every man can be a biological father, but not every man knows how to be a spiritual and godly one. Apostle Paul repeatedly extols the need to father the Body of Christ. 1 Cor 4:15-17 "Even though you have ten thousand guardians in Christ, you do not have many fathers, for in Christ Jesus I became your father through the gospel. Therefore I urge you to imitate me." (The “guardian” in this context is a slave tutor in a Roman family that supervises the child.) Fathers need to be spiritual. 1 John 2:12-14 sets the path of spiritual development for everyone to grow from a child to a father. The fathers in our midst know the heart of God intimately and live out a life desiring the pleasure of God. He models the same to his children. I believe this fathering and discipling mandate is first given to biological fathers and then to other older men and women in partnership within the Church to disciple the younger ones. 

In our Christian Church, not only do we have the biological family, we are blessed with a wider body of a spiritual family. The Christian faith is not just an individual faith. There is every indication especially by Apostle Paul to remind us that we are part of the Body (1 Cor 12:12-31; 27-31; Rom 12:4-5). So we do affect one another for the better or for the worse! “Am I my brother’s keeper?” (Gen 4:9) was the first disastrous effect of the sin of murder. Sin kills the family bond. We who are older and more mature must take the responsibilities of discipling younger people and training them to be godly parents some day.

The command given in the New Testament to bring up our children “in the training and instruction of the Lord” is given to fathers, although it certainly is applicable to mothers as well. Fathers are singled out and the implication is that one day the Lord will single us out too when we are asked about our children. It is not good enough to provide for them by giving them the fish. Teach them to fish so that they are well equipped spiritually not just to be good people, but to exemplify a transformed Christ-centered life!

One shot and one chance in their life!

I made this status update on my facebook this week: Make time for your family! We wonly have one shot and one chance at every milestone of their life! We miss it, it's gone!

We are always on our annual family trip somewhere. This year it is in a relatively unknown spot in Thailand called Hua Hin. Apparently it is Thailand's royal beach resort, less known than the popular Phuket or Samui. Our annual trip has been a tradition kept for many years now, whether it is a local one, or overseas. When the children were younger, it was much more challenging as the packing list was longer. Now that they are much older, their packing list is their own although still with some input from mum. We still treat them as little kids at times (told them they will always be fifteen or younger in our hearts and minds) and still irritating them with a barrage of reminders.

I suppose in our hearts, they will always remain young, that they never grew up. I know it's totally unfair to them but we will always be watching out for them but hopefully learning to let go and letting them take responsibility over their own actions and life. It will certainly be hard to let go, but we know we need to. At my age now, my parents are still as concern as they were of me when I was young. That's the beauty of family I suppose but hopefully we will not choke them to tears.

Our boys are now between 15 and 22! We have to learn to start letting go. I shared in my sermon last month that with my eldest son, he has shown me the signs that I am looking for where I can say with an amount of certainty and peace that I can let him go as he has learnt to take responsibility over his own actions. He will not blame anyone else or the things that happen in his life but to adopt a great attitude of learning from them and be thankful in all circumstances.

Interestingly after that, my youngest son with his usual wit asked me whether he has shown any of the sign I mentioned. I told him definitely not at this point in his life! He needs time to grow. While they are growing up, let's not miss out on the milestones of their life. We can never turn back the clock at each of these milestones but to treasure them and never to miss out on them. They certainly grow too fast for us to catch up. Make time nevertheless where we can and never stop telling them how much you love them! I have known men who in the latter years when they have time for their children, they (the children) no longer are interested. What a sad picture! Catch the moments now!

Growing spiritually in the midst of bringing up young children

I created a discussion on my facebook page the issue of children in church celebrations. The thread has 64 entries to date with 40 'likes'. I would like to highlight one of my replies:

To respond to Kevin Lim's comment: "This topic was raised in another forum before and there were many responses from parents, especially moms, who were genuinely seeking refreshing from God during celebrations which would not happen if their children were with them. The need to supervise and guard their kids would rob them of the time with God and defeat the purpose of participating in church for them."

I understand perfectly that part. It's like me and Stella cautioning young parents in a humorous way, that they can forget about a peaceful night sleep for the next 15 years. It is a price every parent has to go through, but we pray that the joys outweigh the "traumas". It would be naive to suggest that we can still have everything the way before once we have children. The fact is, everything changes the moment we have children and that includes celebration, our sleep and even our intimate moments. For e.g., if we expect celebrations to be the only source of refreshment for our spiritual life, then it is a dangerous assumption because whether we like it or not, children will be a distraction no matter how well trained they are (it's a matter of whether it is in a small or big way).

So the wisdom would be, in what way can I be refreshed other than celebrations, in what ways can I physically rest, and in what ways can we still nurture our marriage relationship? This is all part of maturing and I have always said that if we cannot do that when we are without children, there's no way we can do that when we do. It starts way before that, and hence the need to disciple our young adults prior even to their marriage. They need to see real encouraging models.

We have to become creative in doing that. God has often ministered to me through a great sermon while driving. I have even wept and cried listening to a worship song while driving to work. God has also spoken powerfully through a bible passage during devotional time. These are exceptional moments that God in His mercy gives when we are desperate enough. It is okay to be honest and say "God, I know I have a responsibility to coach my children to be part of the Christian community during celebrations and you know how distracted I can become. Can you minister to me during moments in the other 6 days of the week? Will you help me encounter you at home and at work?"

This is a ministry hazard that pastors have to handle which many of you may not realize. I am so used to the church environment because it is part of my work and there's such a temptation to be in celebrations and operate in a work mindset cos there are many things we have to be mindful of during celebrations. Before I work full time in church, going to church was a very refreshing thing to do after a hectic week. But for those of us who work in the church, it is conscious effort for us to remain fresh. That's why the Monday Sabbath for us is crucial to keep us "sane" and refreshed. God has spoken to me in the most unexpected times other than "church" that it is a habit I have learnt to inculcate, even while listening to a sermon on a threadmill. You will be surprised how God talks to me while exercising.

My advice to young parents would be, recognize the fact that you will be distracted and this is for the sake of your children. Pray and ask God to refresh you in different ways and it's okay to be distracted during celebrations. My wife and I, now that our boys have grown up, are truly enjoying the freedom we have now to grow ourselves and our marriage. We are thankful for the many distractions we have had and seeing our children growing to love God for themselves. We look at them and smile with gratitude to our Heavenly Father.