Is there a perfect husband or wife out there?

Last Friday night at my cell group meeting, we celebrated the 22nd wedding anniversary of a dear couple by putting them on a hot seat for the young adults to glean life lessons from on a marriage with a combined total of 44 years of marriage experience and three children later. I have often said to young people that wisdom is about asking the right questions. Our education system, and even the way our church celebrations or services are structured, they are often more than not monologues. Jesus' style of discipling was usually done by sitting around in a circle, facing one another and mutually asking good and provoking questions. You see that often in their dialogues found in the Gospels, whether in a room, in the field, in their journeys, or literally any and everywhere. Sometimes Jesus would answer their questions with another question. 

Google has introduced a whole new culture of information overload. The wisdom of google is not in the answers that can be found there. There are tons and tons of answers and information. It is in asking the right question that Google is at its best. Let me qualify by saying too that the answers may not necessarily be correct or truthful. A great amount of discernment and wisdom is needed to filter them correctly

Good questions were asked of this couple. How do you know you are right for one another? Is it about compatibility? Is it about communications? What roles do parents play for their children in matters of a life partner? How do you maintain the sizzle or passion in your marriage? How do you keep going with all the challenges? How does having children alter your relationship? 

One thing this couple can attest to is the importance of pre-marital counselling which is vital to prepare the couple for what's ahead. I have realized too that generally speaking there is no such thing as a compatible couple. The moment you think you are, you will be in for a big surprise because living together in the same house is a whole new ball game altogether with both coming from completely different family background and culture. Before marriage, when they have a disagreement, they can go home and not see each other for a while until things cool down. When they are married, they do not have such a luxury. There is no "going home" because they are at home. They sleep on the same bed in tension. They just need to work things out eventually and conflict resolution is an important skill of learning to listen, negotiate and compromise. I would call that the skill of adapting. Therefore the issue is not about compatibility, but adaptability. Learning to adapt is a posture of love. It is not about what we can get out of a relationship only, but how we can give to it. In fact, "agape" love is unconditional. Meaning, we love not because of, but in spite of. That's the vow couples made to one another at the wedding altar.

For better for worse,

For richer for poorer,

In sickness and in health,

To love and to cherish,

Till death do us part,

And hereto I pledge you my faith.

Hence marriage is laboratory of relationship of learning how to love unconditionally. Only when love is worked out this way can we find deep fulfilling relationship knowing that we are genuinely loved. How often people get into marriage to get, and when they cannot find what they are looking for, they opt out. Where can we learn how love to love like this? We can only learn that from Someone who had loved like this.

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:6-8) 

One last tip I gave was to observe the person how he (or she) treats people above him, next to him and below him. Watch how he respects authority, whether it is to his parents, bosses, pastors or leaders. Watch how he treats his friends, colleagues and cell group members. Then most importantly, watch how he treats people "below" him, his subordinates, the underprivileged, disabled, or poor, and most interestingly, watch how he treats children. It will give you a clue what kind of person you will be living with and the culture of relationship with whom you will forge together for your family.

So, no, there is no perfect husband or wife out there. If you find one, don’t marry that person because you will make him or her imperfect! Worse still, you will be terribly disappointed and disillusioned over a broken dream because there is no such perfection. Happy “hunting!”

The Power of a Men's Community

Men Alive recently was featured in Christianity Malaysia. Click the link below for an encouraging report.

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Creating Great Habits for the Year

I have always known that having good habits in life is important. Just that I didn’t know exactly why except for the fact I don’t have to think much about my habitual actions as I go about my daily life. By virtue of its definition, a habit is simply a process by which our brains convert a sequence of actions or tasks into an automatic routine. Examples of that are instances when we comb our hair, brush our teeth, drive our cars and put on our socks! Interestingly, a lot of my creative ideas materialize when I am in my daily shower! I thought to myself maybe I am one of those odd ones until I hear others talking about it as well. We don’t think much about our actions there because we do them automatically. Turn on the tap, wet and shampoo our hair, soap our body, rinse away the soapsuds, wash our face with cleanser, towel dry our hair and body and out we go.

Normal stuff each day, right? Until I began to observe a pattern over the years that many of my creative ideas, insights and thoughts come from that habit. There were times, after my showers, I would quickly write my thoughts down on my notepad before I forget them. I notice the same when I drive. My smartphone with a voice recording feature is a great tool to have in place of the notepad, especially when my hands are on the wheel!

I learnt recently that habits are simply the wonders of our brains designed by God in such a way that they drive us to be more productive and efficient. When tasks and behaviours are automated, meaning we do them without much thinking and effort, we free our brains for other creative work. We don’t usually think about them until something disrupts that pattern. Even my habit of going to the gym is programmed into my brain with the ultimate reward of an endorphin rush that my body looks forward to. This is a good habit to have in order to push me towards greater body fitness. When I skip my gym sessions, there is that uneasy and discontented feeling. Pianists understand this principle in their daily disciple of practicing their scales. This fundamental habit and skill must be in them before they can be great musicians because it frees up their brains to be musically creative and expressive without worrying about hitting the right notes.

But what about spiritual habits? Working on the same principle, if we can inculcate some great spiritual habits with automatic routines, our minds can be freed up to be spiritually creative and receptive in our life. Some great spiritual habits are our daily quiet time with the Lord which allows us to learn intimacy with Him. Cultivating a habitual heart of thanksgiving removes the complaining spirit in us. Regular church and cell group attendance encourage accountability and growth. Consistent service in ministry increases our capacity in our spiritual gifting and call.

Often I see Christians struggle in these basic habits. Much of their energy is spent on pushing themselves to do them. For e.g. in something as simple as attending the regular church celebration, they struggle to make time knowing that it is the right thing to do yet not discipline enough to make it regular. Even if they end up going, much of their energy is expended by the time they get to church and the whole exercise becomes an obligation rather than a time of anticipation and intimacy with God. No wonder the Christian life is so burdensome. Multiply that into the various Christian disciplines of daily devotion, tithes and offerings, cell group, ministry, etc., no wonder so many are ineffective for God because their minds are not freed up to be creative in the way they can grow in intimacy with God and love for others.

In many sense, good and bad spiritual habits are well illustrated in Romans 7:7-25: the colossal struggle between the spirit and the flesh. “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” (Romans 7:15) Good habits feed the spirit and bad habits conversely feed the flesh. In the simplest of terms, in our daily lives, if we are not feeding the spirit through good habits, then we are feeding the flesh through bad ones. Victorious Christian living is premised upon having a stronger spirit that will force the flesh to succumb to what the Spirit desires for us. This is the fruit of the Spirit, especially in self-control. Fleshly desires are what the Bible calls carnal, worldly or unspiritual. Many are not aware that their spiritual growth is stunted as a result of bad spiritual habits inculcated over the years.

Systemic cultures grow out of the keystone habits in every organization. By encouraging healthy habits, an organization grows strong. Good habits of every member are foundational to the life of the church. Can I encourage you to spend some time to reflect your past year on this matter? If you can be brutally honest and examine all your habits to see what feed your spirit and flesh and determine whether to keep, drop, enhance or even add a new one, you will be working towards a more fruitful year. Remember, habits take time to form and do persevere until you know it is almost automatic. We have often been told we are creatures of habit and it is so true. The most basic of all spiritual habits must include our daily devotion and prayer, our weekly celebration and cell group, our tithe and offering, and most of all our time with our loved ones. These habits free us with an inadvertently greater energy to be creative, productive and fruitful in many other areas of our life because the important and vital basics are covered.

This is a great book to read if you want to develop this further.