Life Seasonings - Principle 4 of 10

Principle 4: Make time for people 
(Leave them better than when you found them)

Consider these statements. “Where there are people, there are problems. Where there are no people, there are no problems. Wouldn’t the world be a better place without people?” These statements are in the context of a training dealing with relationship problems. We recognize that the root of all problems in the world has to do with dealing rightly or wrongly with another human being. In other words, although we can’t live with people, we can’t live without them either. The fact remains that we are created by God to live in community and we crave for it. (Genesis 2:18 - "It is not good for the man to live alone.") These cravings reflect positively in love but negatively in an unhealthy pursuit of that acceptance from, and significance in, people. To put it succinctly in an adage: “We buy things we do not need, with money we don’t have, to impress people we don’t even like.” If there are no people to impress, there would not be any necessity to accumulate more and more. We can only eat so much, wear so much and play so much. Anything more than that is a deprivation of these resources to someone else in the world.

This is the oxymoron bit. People are extremely important to us but our lifestyles and priorities do not seem to point to that. We hurt the very people we loved, by accumulating wealth which we think are good for them, with the time that was meant for them. We backstab and step over people to do that and we created for ourselves a dog-eat-dog world.

When we live within the right context of community, we receive strength and contribute to its betterment. When we don’t, we take something away from it and leave the community a worse place than it was before. Therefore in that sense, there are really two kinds of people in this world. Those that give to it and those that takes away. Candidly, my question to each of us would be:  Do we leave people charged up, or discharged?

 “We were once people living in darkness. We have now seen a great light.” (Matthew 4:16) The Bible also says in Ephesians 5:8 “For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light.” Light conveys warmth and life. It gives energy. Darkness takes away. It is cold and silent. Those of us who have seen the light and are in the light, we are to be a source of encouragement and growth to those around us. When we are around other people, there’s more life in them after we leave. Do you have people in your life that when you run into them, your face naturally lights up? Conversely, are there people in your life that when you see them coming your way, there is a natural urge inside you that makes you take the opposite direction, unless you are cornered and are forced to greet them. What kind of person are you to others around you? Do people’s faces brighten up when they chance upon you? Do they look forward to see you? Or are you avoided at all cost? This is a sobering thought and something we would rather deny than to confront because it is uncomfortable.

As a people helper, I constantly feel discharged by the issues I help people with. The Lord recharges me daily but being a social creature, I need people to recharge me too. So the best thing I can do for myself is to learn to regularly go near people who can charge me up. These are the people that I look forward to seeing and they encouraged me and help me see the bright side of life. This is a human need, and it is biblical too, as the Apostle Paul exhorts us to do these to one another: encourage, honor, love, edify, honor, be devoted to, accept, care, forgive, greet, be kind, be compassionate, comfort, live in peace with, to be kind with, and the list goes on. These are the actions that charge others up.

How would you know which kind you are? I encourage (or dare!) you to ask someone who would be honest enough with you. Try your wife, husband, parents, children, cell members, cell leader, pastor, colleagues, friends and even your maids!

May I challenge you to be a people charger? Give energy, not take away! Make time for people and leave them better than when you found them.

Life Seasonings - Principle 3 of 10

Principle 3: Have Peace (Will it matter in a thousand years?)

A non-Christian couple, plagued with a troubled marriage, came to see me recently in the office. Out of sheer desperation, they had even resorted to paging through the Yellow Pages seeking for the services of psychologists. They consulted one picked from the list and were disappointed with the first session. A DUMC ex-colleague of the wife suggested that they seek the help of the church and hence both ended up in front of me in the counselling room. It was written all over their faces the absence of peace. Frowns on their faces seem like permanent features. I spent the next one hour dissecting their problems and the pleasant conclusion to both of them at the end of that time was that they realized the sum of their individual problems seen insurmountable in the beginning. By taking the problems individually, they were able to see that there was no justifiable issue to consider a separation. A smile broke out at the end of the session and you can literally see peace returning to their faces.

What are the roots of their problem? Firstly, it is in trying hard to change the other person and secondly, the inability to adapt to each other. Often, we try too hard to change people to suit us. And if wisdom prevails, we would have recognized that we can’t change someone unless he is WILLING to change! No amount of nagging, cajoling and threat can change a person. Yet we often get upset and frustrated when we can’t. For example, when an inconsiderate driver rudely cuts into your lane, your natural reaction would be to get upset at the inappropriate violation of your space and pretty soon some not so nice thoughts begin to form in your head. If only you could teach him a lesson or change the way he drives! In Life Skills training, we call this “catching someone else’s monkey”. There are times we need to accept the fact that we can’t really change a person.

So in a marriage, for example, I have often said to young potential marriage partners that they should not go into their marriage with the aim of hoping to change each other to be like them. They will get very disappointed if they try. Funnily, most couples are attracted to each other simply because they are different and yet it is these very differences that threaten to split them apart later in their marriage. I am marrying you because of what you can bring into my life of which I am in lack. The truth is that they need to adapt to each other’s differences. Adaptability therefore negates the need for absolute compatibility. Rather than asking who is the one most compatible to me (which is very self-centered), I seek for someone I can adapt to (which is very other-centered). This is a great formula for successful marriages and therefore peace in relationship. Young people often go into marriages with half opened eyes, in a dreamy state, saying their vows with their fingers crossed and hoping for the best. Then immediately their eyes are wide opened as they live with one another exclaiming “This is not the man (or woman) I married!” In DUMC, we try to reverse the trend. Say your vow with wide open eyes so that you really mean what you say and say what you mean. After that, half close your eyes and overlook each other idiosyncrasies and start adapting to one another.

Often we fight over the most trivial of things. It is usually never over the ‘big’ things that get us into trouble with one another, but the small things, accumulated over time that when summed up together becomes insurmountable. The lack of peace is a reflection of the heart, of always wanting to have things our way and the inability to adapt to circumstances or people, whether consciously or not. A mark of pride hangs over our neck for others to conform to us rather than God.

Our Lord is the Prince of Peace. He said in John 14:27 (NIV) Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. That means we need to realize He is in PERFECT control of everything, even with the person who is annoying you or the situation that discourages you.

Whenever my wife and I fight (we are still works-in-progress!) we remind ourselves, “Will it matter in a thousand years?” Often it will not matter and the issue is laid to rest as we learn to adapt to one another. HAVE PEACE!