Weddings and Funerals

I have officiated many weddings and conducted many funerals and wakes. This is a responsibility and also a privilege that I have as a pastor. While these events are poles apart in terms of the emotions involved, both can have positive e­ffects on our lives. Sometimes we can be attending them simply out of obligation or concern, but pause for a while and consider their implications. My life is enriched as I am always reminded of my own mortality and the importance of my marriage and family.

Consider the day one gets married. Life is full of excitement and possibilities. Yet the moment we step into it, we realize how different we are from our spouse. The very thing that attracted us to each other can be the very thing that tries to split us apart later. Before marriage, a man wants a wife who can converse with him intelligently. After marriage, why does she always have an opinion about things? Before marriage, a woman wants a man who is financially stable to provide for her and the family. After marriage, why is he never home? The honeymoon period dissolves quickly and reality hits when they stay together. At a recent Fathers Club meeting, a newly married young man humorously exclaimed, “We wanted to kill each other in the first three months of our marriage!”

In the grandeur of a wedding day, I am reminded that it is not how well the couple starts but how well they will finish someday.  A significant milestone for a marriage will be the wedding day of the couple’s children. Each wedding is also in some sense a graduation ceremony for the parents. A beautiful part of a DUMC wedding is the time given for the newly wedded couple to express their gratitude and love to their parents. Whether the sharing is one minute or three minutes, you can almost get an idea what their family relationships is like.

There will always be tears. The fathers will inevitably try very hard not to be emotional, faces contorting to keep their tears back, while mothers of course will let their tears run freely. The same can be said about wedding dinner speeches. I often wonder what it would be like as a father on the big day watching his son or daughter now leaving home for good to forge a different life with his or her new partner. We can never go back to where we were before with them. We cannot wind back the clock. These are powerful and tearful moments. I have often read in-between the lines of their speeches, of regrets or joy.

It reminds us as parents to have strong marriages for the sake of our children because that’s the only consistent model of marriage they will see in their growing years. The best commendation I have heard was when a groom said in his wedding speech that the reason why he wanted to get married early was because he longed for what he saw in his parent’s marriage. He did not want to miss out any longer when he met the girl of his dream. What a powerful testament and model of marriage and parenting the groom’s parents have been for the young couple! I left that wedding feeling inspired knowing that my strong marriage with my wife matters to our three sons. We must therefore work hard at staying joyfully married! We have just celebrated our 24 years of marriage!

In the sorrow of a funeral, one will also see the strength of the family relationships or the lack of it. The regrets or joys in the words of a dying person can be haunting or inspiring. I have held the hands of people in their last moments. I consider my presence with them a privilege because their last words, with life ebbing away from their earthly existence, are worth taking note of. Family relationships are at the top of their mind. The fear or confidence in facing their deaths reminds me about my own confidence in God. When I take my final breath, all that matters will be my relationship with God. My confidence in meeting my Maker will be a reflection of my journey with Him on earth.

I long to have what Apostle Paul has: Desiring to go, but willing to stay. ^"I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body." (Philippians 1:23-24) He longs for a far better place to go to where his Heavenly Father is, than to cling on here. But he is willing to stay because he knows of a higher purpose than himself so that many more can be brought from the Kingdom of darkness to the Kingdom of Light. That is why he can say, “But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:13b-14).

Do yourself a favor. The next time you attend a wedding or a funeral, pause for a moment to reflect about your life. What is God saying?

Have a great life!

Reflections:

1. Has your parents’ marriage been inspiring? In what ways?

2. What would you want to have in your own marriage from what you saw in them?

3. What would you avoid?

4. If you are married, how would you rate your marriage from 1 to 10?

5. Would you consider your marriage an inspiration to your children and others in your community?

6. What would your children say if they were asked questions 1 to 3? (Try asking them.)

7. What do you think your thoughts will be during your dying moments? What would you say to me if I am by your side at that moment?

8. Are you confident in meeting your Maker? Describe the reasons why in your own words.

9. How would you apply the attitude of Paul in your own life: “Desiring to go, but willing to stay?” (2 Corinthians 5:8)

10. What new attitudes would you adopt from now on when you attend a funeral, wake or wedding?

Forgive and Forget

We often hear about the need to "forgive and forget". This advice is an important one because the root of all problems in our life is the problem of unforgiveness. We don't get along 100% and no matter how "compatible" we are to another person, we will still find something that we do not share commonality with. This is the hallmark of relationship and we better get used to that idea.

I smile often when young courting couples come excitingly to me asking for the church to start pre-marital counselling with them. The naive dreamy-like way they go about their relationship suggest that they do not know each other well enough to realize that the biggest challenge to their relationship will come in the first two years of their marriage. Couples only really learn to love each other when they are married and staying together in the same house. The real test of their relationship comes when they find out how incompatible they are and still able to willingly adapt to each other's idiosyncrasies. 

The biblical standard of love is "agape". I love you not because of, but in spite of. Love often is not associated with the feeling of "liking" somebody. Love is not just a feeling. It is always a choice. That's real love. God loves us while we were still sinners. There's nothing good and nice about us, but He loves us anyway. That's why Jesus said to "love your enemies". It's obvious that we don't 'like' our enemies but to suggest that we must like them first would be a humanly impossible task. Thankfully we know loving and liking can be mutually exclusive as a start. Liking may come later but it is not a necessary prerequisite to start loving.

Just to test the theory, let's look at 1 Cor 13:4-8

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

Notice that love is not a feeling word here. It is a "doing" word. We can do all these without the need to like. Liking may or may not come. It is not the end goal. Love is the end goal. It is like saying "joy" is more than "happiness" because the latter is dependent on circumstances while the former is in spite of circumstances.

Do a quick exercise now. Substitute the word "Love" above with your name and your role. For e.g. if you are a husband, then you can say "Chris as a husband is patient. Chris as a husband is kind. And so on." or "Chris as a father is patient. Chris as a father is kind." Apply this test to your different roles and you will be amazed how much or how little we are able to love others. Unforgiveness often reveals more about ourselves than we would like to admit. This can be an opportunity of great growth in our lives.

Let's come back to the point about "forgive and forget". The idea behind this phrase subtly suggests that we should feel okay about the person and it is possible to really mentally forget. Guilt sets upon our hearts if we still have the tinge of dislike. If that is the case, then we may have gotten it all wrong. We know we can never forget. Our brains are not like a hard disk where we can "clean wipe" the entire hardware without leaving any remnants of its memory that can be recovered later. Scientists suggest that we have short and long term memories. I would surmise that hurts in relationship would burn deep into our conscious and subconscious mind as long term memory which is impossible to erase.

So how does one forgive and forget? Let me first ask a question, how does one know he/she is healed from a pain. Imagine a cut on our arm. How do we know we are healed? We know we are healed when we press the wound and it is no longer painful. But we can still see the scar. It is there as a reminder of the cut but it doesn't bother us anymore. I believe to forgive and forget means that the wound does not bring anymore pain although the memory of it is still in technicolor. It's visually there but emotionally impervious. The forgetting part is not the memory of the event or person, but the part on the pain that we forget. We cannot recall the feeling of pain anymore.

I can relate to that. I can still recall various incidences when I was hurt. But thinking about them does not bring back the terrible pain that I went through then. It doesn't bother me anymore! In fact I can smile at them knowing the powerful lessons learnt. I now know I am totally healed. I can truly forgive and forget!

That's why the Scripture reminds us about not allowing the bitterness of our hearts to grow deep into our minds. 

Hebrews 12:14-15

14 Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. 15 See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

Forgiving and forgetting is a discipline that one must cultivate so that the roots of bitterness do not go too deep into our lives. Every gardener knows that when weeds are spotted, it is best to pull them out immediately before the roots go in too deep. If the roots are too deep in, every time we pull out the weeds, it will grow right back up from its root system. The writer of Hebrews have wisely counselled that unforgiveness is like weeds. Pull it out immediately!

Are there hurts and pains that you need to forgive and forget? Think about it, that you do not need to "like" but to make a choice today to think and do good to that person. If you are a Christian, pray for him or her for God's blessing. And do good to that person when opportunities arise. Such incidences often reveals the depravity of our own hearts, the inability to love as God would have us love. It won't be easy but we can lay our pains and hurts at the foot of the cross because He understands. Hebrews 4:14-16. I know it wouldn't be easy and praise God that we do not need to struggle through this alone.

Love Covers a Multitude of Sins

In my daily devotional reading for 6 April (John 18:1-19:42), my curiosity was stirred when I came across this verse which I never really took note of. My journal entry:

Scripture

John 18:38 Later, Joseph of Arimathea asked Pilate for the body of Jesus. Now Joseph was a disciple of Jesus, but secretly because he feared the Jews. With Pilate’s permission, he came and took the body away. 

Observations

Here is a case of a secret believer. With Nicodemus, a Pharisee, they were moved to do what's right although remaining secret believers. They took courage to ask for Jesus' body.

Application

Is Joseph of Arimathea (and Nicodemus) acceptable to God? He is a secret believer. Yet he was given the gracious opportunity to bury Jesus. Is anything too bad for God to forgive? 


In the same reading earlier was the story of Apostle Peter's denial of Jesus three times. Not once, but three! This reminds me of the grace of God that covers a multitude of our sins. Even with Peter's three denials of Jesus, he was forgiven and restored. He went on to become one of the greatest disciple of Christ that ever lived!



Romans 5:8-9 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 

9 Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him!

I think we barely understand the extent how much our Heavenly Father loves us! Yet many of us harbour doubts in our mind whether we are truly forgiven, or whether we need to do more to earn God's love. The greatest mystery and wonder of the Christian faith is that there is nothing we can do to save ourselves, only that we accept what God did through His Son, by sacrificing Him on the cross for our sins so that we can be forgiven. John 3:16-18.


With that in mind, the reading for 7 April (1 Peter 4:1-11) makes sense. Verse 8: Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 

When we understand this love (agape), we understand why Apostle Peter said "love covers over a multitude of sins." He was the recipient of that forgiveness and love. With that, he could love others. How does one practices verse 8-11, unless he has received the love of God that overflows out from his heart deep within. Apostle Paul in these verses exhorted us to:



1. Love each other deeply - love covers a multitude of sins
2. Offer hospitality without grumbling
3. Use whatever gifts to serve others
4. Speak the words of God
5. Serve with the strength God provides - so that God may be praised

Response

Lord, thank You for that reminder. I am thoroughly loved by YOU! Help me love others as close as I can to the way You would love them!

Looking at each other for a lifetime!

I have the joy of sharing at a 30^th wedding anniversary recently. One of the privileges I have as a pastor is to share the Word of God at services or celebrations of weddings, funerals, anniversaries, birthdays and baby dedications. In my usual inclination to observe life in the context of relationships, I cannot help but recognise that celebrated at all these events are not the things we have accumulated, the awards and recognitions we have garnered or the career promotions we have earned. One motivational author rightly titled the first chapter of his book on life’s priorities – “No one at their death bed wished they had spent more time in their office.” I have often asked people what kind of photos they keep in their wallets. I have yet to find someone who keeps a photo of their boss! It is always a photo of our family or someone close to us.

I am therefore reminded personally at all these instances that family and friends are the most important in my life; not things, accolades or achievements. In preaching or sharing these messages, I hold myself accountable in integrity each time by trying to practice what I preach. In some sense, being a pastor helps because of repetitive reminders to myself from the Word of God!

My wife and I will be celebrating our 24^th wedding anniversary this year. We are six years short of the 30^th and as long as the Lord keeps us on this earth until then, we intend to stay blissfully married still. If there’s any encouragement at this 30^th anniversary for those present, especially those who are single, courting or the newly married, it is to inspire them with confidence that it is possible to stay happily married, even after many years.

In this particular sharing, I thought about my life with my wife, who is also my best friend. I have cracked many jokes at weddings and my favourite one is a quote by Socrates: “By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” I have not become a philosopher yet! Wedding jokes serve as a warning to the newly wed, and in a light hearted manner, communicating the message that getting married is the easy part. Staying married is the real challenge.

Mark Twain candidly said, “Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.” Amy Bloom, an award winning author puts it beautifully, “Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.”

The institution of marriage is one that God ordained to portray to us how deep and intimate a human relationship can be. The husband and wife is the closest of all and it is meant to be a training ground by which our children will later in their married lives imitate what they see and caught from our marriage relationship. Marriage requires the exercise of the full range of the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. How that is worked out will either leave them with excited anticipation of their own marriage, or settling into a mediocre one.

We have known in the practice of discipleship that more is caught than taught. Our children learn more from how we live with our spouse, rather than what we tell them. I have basically simplified discipleship to be one of following the examples of another. In the words of Apostle Paul, it is about imitating someone else. Therefore I urge you to imitate me. (1 Cor 4:16) Imitate me, just as I also imitate Christ. (NKJV) (1 Cor 11:1)

Modelling is the most powerful form of reproducing our lives. Rev Theodore Hesburgh embodied this truth in this way: “The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” The father shows by example how to love his wife and family. Our parents have a great influence in how we will live our marital lives eventually. Whether we like it or not, we do not have a choice in whether we want to be a model. We are either a good or bad one. The choice we do have is to decide which one we would like to be.

All these remind me of Psalm 128. The most powerful example we can model to our children is the fear of God. The Bible tells us that the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom, helps us find knowledge and avoids sins. This is a rarity among corporate, political or even religious leaders of today. Vines and olive trees are frequently paired in the Old Testament because wine and oil played a central role in the lives of the people. When you are able to sit around the table with your family in joy, peace and contentment, then each family meal is a banquet of joy. That’s what really counts at the end of the day as the fruit of looking at each other for a lifetime!

WoW Conference Powerpoint Download - Session by Pr Chris Kam

WoW stands for Women of Worth.

Yes, you read it right! I will be speaking at the conference tomorrow afternoon (Sat), taking one of the session and sitting on a forum panel.


Here's the powerpoint of the session if you are interested to know what I have shared on. Click here for the file.


I also shared an interesting video clip from the movie musical "My Fair Lady". Click here. This is a song "A hymn to him" on "Why can't a woman be more like a man?"

Differences between a leader and a follower

This morning reading from our E-100 planner on Genesis 42, shows something that is quite amusing. The opening verses: ¹ When Jacob learned that there was grain in Egypt, he said to his sons, “Why do you just keep looking at each other?” ² He continued, “I have heard that there is grain in Egypt. Go down there and buy some for us, so that we may live and not die.”

I was amused by the phrase: “Why do you just keep looking at each other?” I can imagine the remaining 11 sons (with Joseph sold to Egypt) sitting around mourning and groaning about their situation, the famine that had struck their land. Jacob must be quite frustrated at the passivity of his sons and hence his remark.

Two things can be observed here:

1. The lack of leadership with these men. It is also reflection of how the father had brought them up to be. This is of course speculative, but certainly deductive. If you want to know the father, look at the sons! There is some truth to that. From all 12 sons, came the nation of Israel. It is hard to imagine. What comes out over and over again in biblical stories is this. It is really not about how good or how capable we are. It is about how good, faithful and merciful God is to us. In the light of that, that's why Jesus said, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. (John 15:5)

2. Jacob showed favoritism to Rachel's sons, Joseph (Genesis 37:3) and Benjamin (Genesis 42:38). This is obvious to everyone and I am sure the other sons felt it for many years. Favoritism seems to be prevalent among the patriarchs and their wives. Isaac towards Esau and Rebekah towards Jacob. This caused an on-going feud to more than 3,500 years later, instilling a spirit of competition, strife, and resentment between the two brothers. This favoritism of Isaac spilled down to Jacob who favored Joseph. Both scored bad marks for their fathering on this count. There are many fathering stories in the Bible and it would do us good to learn from them, what to do and what not to do. Favoritism had done untold damage, including molding the sons to be who they are.

Coming back to my point. The leadership lesson learnt is this:

Followers wait for things to happen. Leaders make things happen!

Simple truth. The bane of families today are men who will not make things happen in their families. Spiritual and moral leadership have been delegated by default to their wives, or abdicated. Worse still, what if even the wives abdicate that role too. This leaves the children spiritually leaderless and morally starved. For that matter, one can be a captain and successful in the corporate world but a loser at home. Think about that.

The Richest Man

I came across this quote (author unknown) and something resonate inside me.
The richest man is not he who has the most, but he who needs the least.
This reminds me of Apostle Paul's writings:
1 Timothy 6:6-10

⁶ But godliness with contentment is great gain. ⁷ For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. ⁸ But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. ⁹ People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. ¹⁰ For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.

Philippians 4:10-13

¹⁰ I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. ¹¹ I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³ I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Contentment is an important key to live life well. It is often difficult to draw the line between our needs and wants. "The lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life (1 John 2:16, NKJV)" stands in the way. It is our human nature to want more and more. Learning to live with less, and learning to say no, will heighten our senses to spiritual things and eternal fruits.

Do more of and do less of in 2012

December ought to be a time not just of celebration, but of reflection. Whether it is true that time seems to pass faster when one grows older, time will always a precious commodity. Each second spent is either spent wisely or foolishly. I wonder if we are called to account for our time some day, what would our report card be like?

Proverbs 20:4 (NIV)

A sluggard does not plow in season; so at harvest time he looks but finds nothing.

Over a delightful lunch with an older couple, the husband was complaining to me about his wife's over involvement in ministry. It was merely his loving ways of being concern over his wife's health as she is a cancer survivor. I know where he's coming from. The wife on the other hand feels that she would really like to do the best she can in the remaining part of her life as they both felt God had given them a second chance to come alive spiritually in their 60's. I know where their hearts are. I was waiting for that stroke of wisdom or brilliance from the Lord, which I often would pray when I am stuck and not knowing what else to say. :)

It came. I turned to him and asked him this simple question. "What would your report card and your wife's be like when you meet the Lord one day?" We both know there will come a day when we will be judge too for our rewards. Thankfully God did not list down what the merit points will be. Otherwise, we will all be serving for the wrong reasons!

He asked back, "What do you mean?"

"You agree someday that Jesus will ask us to account for what we have done for Him?"

"Yes."

"What's yours like and what's your wife's"

It seems like something struck him.

He said, "Yah ... never thought of it that way."

His lamenting stopped and I could see a smile on the wife's face. We took the chance to affirm the husband's concern and encouraged the wife to take care of herself too.

That begged question: What would your report card, and mine, be like?

I think it is good to reflect and I did a short exercise with my office colleagues. My question to them was: "What is one thing you would more, and another thing to do less, in 2012?"

That sparked off many interesting discussion in their breakout groups. There will probably be more than one thing. But often, it is better to do one thing and do it well, than to do 10 and do them mediocrely, or not at all. 

Why don't you sit down for an hour and work that through. It may change the way you live out 2012. There are a number of areas you can work through:

• Physical (e.g. exercise, travel)
• Social (more time for leisure, hobbies)
• Emotional (counselling, healing)
• Mental (challenging the mind, reading)
• Spiritual (prayer, Bible, conferences, trainings)

There will definitely be a need to cut down on time wasters and make more time to invest in things that last for eternity and they are inevitably always link to people and relationship.

Apostle Paul had a different way of saying it and that is to "put off" and "put on".

Ephesians 4:22-24 (NIV)

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; [24] and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Blessed Christmas and a fruitful year of 2012!

How to keep yourself fresh and motivated

My Senior Pastor shared this with us pastors about how to keep ourselves fresh and motivated in ministry. Thought it may help some of you. Here's the main headings (in red) he shared. I'll add in my comments in black.


1. Daily time with God

The Word of God refreshes us in the spirit. When our inner man is refreshed, it allows our soul and body to follow suit.


2. Time away on a regular basis (Sabbath principle)
        Reflect Renew Refresh Rewire


God commanded Sabbath for a reason. He knows we will wear ourselves out with our need to achieve. This is one of the consequences of sin in our lives.


3. Read as much and as broad (even secular stuff)


I would add that we need to read with discernment. As much as there are many good stuff out there, there are also equally loads of rubbish. Choosing a good book is important. Go for at least one book a month. Share with someone what you read. I find sharing with someone helps me crystallize my thoughts on the book.


4. Go for seminar and conferences


Again, choose a good one. Make sure you write down immediately something that captured your mind.


5. Be in a 'Iron sharpening iron' small group

• Circle of friends
• Encouragement and support
• Accountability
• Partnership in ministry

6. Have one to three people who can speak into your life


Be thick-skinned enough to ask. As a mentor myself, I often find it hard to refuse someone who is persistent :)


7. Be in a mentoring relationship as a mentor


One can only mentor if you have something to give. Mentoring keeps you on your toes.


8. Exercise regularly
A healthy body is essential to start with.

9. Teach and impart


A teacher always learn more than the student! When you teach, you are motivated to learn.

Psalm 119:121-144 (Four Marks of a Man of the Word

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