Life Seasonings - Principle 4 of 10

Principle 4: Make time for people 
(Leave them better than when you found them)

Consider these statements. “Where there are people, there are problems. Where there are no people, there are no problems. Wouldn’t the world be a better place without people?” These statements are in the context of a training dealing with relationship problems. We recognize that the root of all problems in the world has to do with dealing rightly or wrongly with another human being. In other words, although we can’t live with people, we can’t live without them either. The fact remains that we are created by God to live in community and we crave for it. (Genesis 2:18 - "It is not good for the man to live alone.") These cravings reflect positively in love but negatively in an unhealthy pursuit of that acceptance from, and significance in, people. To put it succinctly in an adage: “We buy things we do not need, with money we don’t have, to impress people we don’t even like.” If there are no people to impress, there would not be any necessity to accumulate more and more. We can only eat so much, wear so much and play so much. Anything more than that is a deprivation of these resources to someone else in the world.

This is the oxymoron bit. People are extremely important to us but our lifestyles and priorities do not seem to point to that. We hurt the very people we loved, by accumulating wealth which we think are good for them, with the time that was meant for them. We backstab and step over people to do that and we created for ourselves a dog-eat-dog world.

When we live within the right context of community, we receive strength and contribute to its betterment. When we don’t, we take something away from it and leave the community a worse place than it was before. Therefore in that sense, there are really two kinds of people in this world. Those that give to it and those that takes away. Candidly, my question to each of us would be:  Do we leave people charged up, or discharged?

 “We were once people living in darkness. We have now seen a great light.” (Matthew 4:16) The Bible also says in Ephesians 5:8 “For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light.” Light conveys warmth and life. It gives energy. Darkness takes away. It is cold and silent. Those of us who have seen the light and are in the light, we are to be a source of encouragement and growth to those around us. When we are around other people, there’s more life in them after we leave. Do you have people in your life that when you run into them, your face naturally lights up? Conversely, are there people in your life that when you see them coming your way, there is a natural urge inside you that makes you take the opposite direction, unless you are cornered and are forced to greet them. What kind of person are you to others around you? Do people’s faces brighten up when they chance upon you? Do they look forward to see you? Or are you avoided at all cost? This is a sobering thought and something we would rather deny than to confront because it is uncomfortable.

As a people helper, I constantly feel discharged by the issues I help people with. The Lord recharges me daily but being a social creature, I need people to recharge me too. So the best thing I can do for myself is to learn to regularly go near people who can charge me up. These are the people that I look forward to seeing and they encouraged me and help me see the bright side of life. This is a human need, and it is biblical too, as the Apostle Paul exhorts us to do these to one another: encourage, honor, love, edify, honor, be devoted to, accept, care, forgive, greet, be kind, be compassionate, comfort, live in peace with, to be kind with, and the list goes on. These are the actions that charge others up.

How would you know which kind you are? I encourage (or dare!) you to ask someone who would be honest enough with you. Try your wife, husband, parents, children, cell members, cell leader, pastor, colleagues, friends and even your maids!

May I challenge you to be a people charger? Give energy, not take away! Make time for people and leave them better than when you found them.

Life Seasonings - Principle 3 of 10

Principle 3: Have Peace (Will it matter in a thousand years?)

A non-Christian couple, plagued with a troubled marriage, came to see me recently in the office. Out of sheer desperation, they had even resorted to paging through the Yellow Pages seeking for the services of psychologists. They consulted one picked from the list and were disappointed with the first session. A DUMC ex-colleague of the wife suggested that they seek the help of the church and hence both ended up in front of me in the counselling room. It was written all over their faces the absence of peace. Frowns on their faces seem like permanent features. I spent the next one hour dissecting their problems and the pleasant conclusion to both of them at the end of that time was that they realized the sum of their individual problems seen insurmountable in the beginning. By taking the problems individually, they were able to see that there was no justifiable issue to consider a separation. A smile broke out at the end of the session and you can literally see peace returning to their faces.

What are the roots of their problem? Firstly, it is in trying hard to change the other person and secondly, the inability to adapt to each other. Often, we try too hard to change people to suit us. And if wisdom prevails, we would have recognized that we can’t change someone unless he is WILLING to change! No amount of nagging, cajoling and threat can change a person. Yet we often get upset and frustrated when we can’t. For example, when an inconsiderate driver rudely cuts into your lane, your natural reaction would be to get upset at the inappropriate violation of your space and pretty soon some not so nice thoughts begin to form in your head. If only you could teach him a lesson or change the way he drives! In Life Skills training, we call this “catching someone else’s monkey”. There are times we need to accept the fact that we can’t really change a person.

So in a marriage, for example, I have often said to young potential marriage partners that they should not go into their marriage with the aim of hoping to change each other to be like them. They will get very disappointed if they try. Funnily, most couples are attracted to each other simply because they are different and yet it is these very differences that threaten to split them apart later in their marriage. I am marrying you because of what you can bring into my life of which I am in lack. The truth is that they need to adapt to each other’s differences. Adaptability therefore negates the need for absolute compatibility. Rather than asking who is the one most compatible to me (which is very self-centered), I seek for someone I can adapt to (which is very other-centered). This is a great formula for successful marriages and therefore peace in relationship. Young people often go into marriages with half opened eyes, in a dreamy state, saying their vows with their fingers crossed and hoping for the best. Then immediately their eyes are wide opened as they live with one another exclaiming “This is not the man (or woman) I married!” In DUMC, we try to reverse the trend. Say your vow with wide open eyes so that you really mean what you say and say what you mean. After that, half close your eyes and overlook each other idiosyncrasies and start adapting to one another.

Often we fight over the most trivial of things. It is usually never over the ‘big’ things that get us into trouble with one another, but the small things, accumulated over time that when summed up together becomes insurmountable. The lack of peace is a reflection of the heart, of always wanting to have things our way and the inability to adapt to circumstances or people, whether consciously or not. A mark of pride hangs over our neck for others to conform to us rather than God.

Our Lord is the Prince of Peace. He said in John 14:27 (NIV) Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. That means we need to realize He is in PERFECT control of everything, even with the person who is annoying you or the situation that discourages you.

Whenever my wife and I fight (we are still works-in-progress!) we remind ourselves, “Will it matter in a thousand years?” Often it will not matter and the issue is laid to rest as we learn to adapt to one another. HAVE PEACE!

Life Seasonings - Principle 2 of 10

Principle 2 : Marry your best friend (Till the day you die)

Marriage is a life-time commitment. At the wedding altar, couples exchanged their vows: “For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part.” It is a vow made where there are no exceptions to the rule, irreconcilable differences or circumstances that can break the marriage vow. The Lord himself confirmed the original intent of God in life-long commitment (Matthew 19:8). Certainly we don’t marry just to have a companion because many other people can be good companions. It would be naïve to suggest that one should marry because it is time to do so. Putting two people together for a life-time commitment who have absolutely nothing in common with each other is to invite disaster on an unprecedented scale, if you do not know this yet! One is a man and the other a woman, how different can you get?

I remember an adage: Don’t marry someone you can live with. Marry someone whom you can’t live without. Hmmm … that’s a good thought. One plus one, in a marriage, should not be two, but maybe five, or even ten. What can’t I do as single, which I can only do when I get married, apart from having babies, that is? I cannot fathom the thoughts of some married people who seem to give the impression that they are ‘stuck’ in an unhappy marriage. Instead of being a blessing to each other and the people around them, they spend their entire married life putting out fires in their relationship. How terrible that must be, considering that you are to live with each other for 40 or 50 years. No wonder they take the easy way out – divorce. The kind of brokenness that results must be heart-breaking, especially if there are children involved.

To those looking for a life-long mate, the point is simple. If you are to live with someone for the next 40 or 50 years, you jolly well marry someone who is your best friend, someone you can really truly enjoy being together with. He or she must be your best friend that you will learn to love and accept unconditionally. Not that there are no valleys in the relationship, but in these circumstances, the stronger one holds the weaker one up. Best friend become “best-ter” friends over the years and best friends never quit on each other. Best friends operate interdependently and are secure with each other’s uniqueness and successes. Solomon wife’s calls him “This is my lover, this is friend.” (Song of Solomon 5:16)

Life Seasonings - Principle 1 of 10

Principle 1 : It’s my fault (Taking personal responsibility)

We play the blame game all the time. When something goes wrong, it is always somebody else’s fault. We rarely admit we are in the wrong as first response. This is the sinful state of our human mind which originated with Adam and Eve: “She made me do it.” “The Serpent deceived me.” (Genesis 3:12,13) Counsellors call it blame-shifting. It doesn’t matter whether we are young or old, we blame-shift all the time and the greatest disservice that happens when we do that is we don’t see the plank right in front of our eyes (Matthew 7:1-5).

As Christians, we are to learn to be over comers in our life. I heard in one of Rev. Dr. A.R. Bernard’s talk: “We are not human beings trying to have a spiritual experience. Rather, we are spiritual beings trying to master our earthly circumstances.” What a profound biblical truth put in a fresh new way! We often adopt a fatalistic outlook in life, that we have no control over our circumstances and hence the choices we can make. “My circumstances forced me to behave this way”, when often it is the refusal to take personal responsibilities that is the problem.

When we point our index finger at someone, the other three fingers are pointing back at us. When things go wrong, while we can’t control the circumstances or other people, we can certainly and must control our responses. Maturity is about having the courage to admit that I am at fault and will take responsibility over my contribution to the problem and allow others to realize theirs. When this is an agreed ground rule to relationship, can you imagine the impact it has to human society. There will be no more wars!

Life Seasonings - Ten Principles I live by

I mentioned in my last post that I will upload a series of articles I wrote for DUMC's Floodgates on the Ten Principles I live by. These are the principles I realized I consistently apply and guided me in the many decisions I have to make in the last 50 years of my life. Here it goes with the introductory and thereafter, it will be a principle at a time. These are the unedited version of my articles before it went to the editor. Happy reading!

INTRODUCTION

If ever there’s a book I would like to write, I would title it “Life’s Seasoning”.  Life itself is our best teacher, guided and directed by the enlightenment of the Holy Spirit and the Word of God, the Bible. Just the mere fact of living life, is a privilege to be savored and relished. Some lived it well, others wasted it and most I think lived it mediocrely. If only we would learn to respond wisely and react less to life’s circumstances, we could have emerged less scathed and stronger in character. Pains and sufferings are as much part of life as are blessings and prosperity. There are no guarantees to either, yet we can respond wisely to whatever comes our way. Being in blessings is no more spiritual than being in pain. What matter most is how we have lived life the best that we can. God doesn’t hold us accountable to those things that we don’t have or having a responsibility for. He only holds us to that which we have control over.

Lately, I have been asking myself, if I could list down ten things (or principles) by which I lived my life by, things which I feel passionately about and would dedicate not to just live by them but to teach and model to others to do the same, what would that ten things be? This led me hours of writing down in raw forms what these statements are, fine-tuning and finally selecting these ten things. They are by no means exhaustive of all that God had taught me and learnt through life’s experiences. But these will be, as of now, what are most important to me.

I will list these ten things here in this article and from here on in the next five articles following this, I will elaborate what they mean. Some may be repetitive from previous articles that I have written but hopefully presented in a different and fresh perspective. Here it goes:

1.         It’s my fault (Taking personal responsibility)

2.         Marry your best friend (Till the day you die)

3.         Have Peace (Will it matter in a thousand years?)

4.         Make time for people (Leave them better than when you found them)

5.         Have a good sense of humor (Learn to laugh)

6.         Grow well and deep (Be like an oak tree)

7.         Walk in freedom (Walk light)

8.         Life is short (Don’t waste it)

9.         Rooftop principle (Don’t even go there)

10.     Reflect often (Make many pit stops)

There you have it. Most of these phrases are in themselves self-explanatory. The key challenge I have for you here is, are you able to write down what’s important for you and are you prepared to live by them? Just this morning, I was in conversation with a brother who has taken quite a beating in his career for the last twelve years. Job after job lasted only about two years or less. His key reason for not staying long in these jobs is simply his desire to stay true to his moral conviction and ethical stand in his business dealings. With tears welling in his eyes as he related them, I could not comfort him with a reason why he had to go through all these. Or why God has not vindicated him or provided a way out. Or I could tell him he made bad decisions about the company he is joining. As I feel for the brother and the pain he is going through, all I could say at the end of it is simply this: “You have passed the character test, brother, and you have honored the Lord.” I could see how this affirmation encouraged him in spite of what he is going through. What does this mean for him? That “blessing and prosperity” will be with him from here on if he applied the right formula? No one can guarantee that. In fact, that would be plain self-centeredness if we go by the adage that when we do something for God, He will do something for us. The emphasis is on self and not God, and we are in the danger of becoming a consumeristic driven religion. But what if God didn’t answer the way we wanted Him too. Is God any less? That’s where our values and understanding of God comes in. Are our convictions dependent on circumstances or are they God dependent? But one thing I know for certain for this brother. He can sleep well every night from here on because he does not only know the truth, he lived it out as well. Such is the power of a clear conscience and a life of integrity.

How about you? What are your ten things that you live by?

Turning 50

I turned 50 on 4 Oct 2010. Half a century! Sounds like a long time but it's really like a twinkling of an eye. In another twinkling of an eye, I will be 70, what the Bible says,  3 scores and 10 years, i.e. 70 years.

Psalms 90:10

The length of our days is seventy years— or eighty, if we have the strength; yet their span is but trouble and sorrow, for they quickly pass, and we fly away. 

I was asked last weekend at our church's Baptism and Encounter Weekend what were my "secrets" that kept me going for the last 50 years and keeping the passion. Interestingly, these were the answers I gave on my feet. Three quick answers:

1. Keep a close relationship with God.

2. Keep a close relationship with your family, especially your wife.

3. Keep a close relationship with yourself.

The first one is vital as God is the author and perfecter of our faith. When God is central, everything else falls into place.

The second one is crucial as the Bible is crystal clear: 1 Timothy 3:5 "If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?

Why do I say "especially your wife"? Because she is the closest person I can ever get to know and she's to be my best friend and partner! If I am not at peace in my home front, everything else will fall apart and I would not have the integrity to carry on.

Thirdly, know yourself with deep sense of humility. As a pastor, I am often very concern when people put us on a higher pedestal than we deserve. We are after all human and prone to all human frailties. The older I grow, the more I recognize my own shortcomings, and the more I need the Lord. No wonder Apostle Paul, the hero of our faith, says this: 

1 Corinthians 10:12

So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!

That was in the context of the learning from the past failures of recorded human failings in the Bible and the ubiquitous temptations.

Keeping and maintaining a humble attitude will help us be a learner for life.

In our church bi-monthly magazine Floodgates, I wrote a series of articles titled: "Life Seasonings - Ten Principles I live by." It is a series of articles that I wrote as a form of personal reflection having lived life for almost half a century.

I will post the unedited version one principle at a time for the next few weeks. Hope you will glean some wisdom for yourself.

The Corporate Genius of Moses

Actually not so much of Moses but Jethro, his father-in-law. It is his humble leadership that allowed Jethro to speak into his life. (Exodus 18) Moses took the advice and save him from himself (burnout) and from his people (unhappiness due to their long wait and possibly coming back the next day). 

Moses' shepherding heart is clearly seen here. He had 40 years experience of that in the same desert looking after sheep where he is in exodus now with his people. You can see his compassionate heart to listen to and resolve the problems of his people. 

¹³ The next day Moses took his seat to serve as judge for the people, and they stood around him from morning till evening. ¹⁴ When his father-in-law saw all that Moses was doing for the people, he said, "What is this you are doing for the people? Why do you alone sit as judge, while all these people stand around you from morning till evening?"

 ¹⁵ Moses answered him, "Because the people come to me to seek God's will. ¹⁶ Whenever they have a dispute, it is brought to me, and I decide between the parties and inform them of God's decrees and laws."

While this sounds noble, you can imagine the impossible task of looking after a population of 603,550 men of over 20 years old. Add the womenfolk and children, we are talking about in excess of 2 million! Moses could not see what was outside with the people as he deals with the individual cases, the waiting and the complaining, and possibly arguments and small fights that took place between the offending and offended parties. They had to take a number and wait their turn.

Jethro had probably walked around and observed everything, at least for a day we know. He is the corporate consultant who saw a problem and provided a corporate strategy to deal with this problem. Two problems existed:

1. The immensity of the task in governing the people by a single person.

2. The training of people for leadership under him. If Moses continues to go solo, his people will not develop in leadership.

Jethro provided a simple model:

 ¹⁷ Moses' father-in-law replied, "What you are doing is not good. ¹⁸ You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone. ¹⁹ Listen now to me and I will give you some advice, and may God be with you. You must be the people's representative before God and bring their disputes to him. ²⁰ Teach them the decrees and laws, and show them the way to live and the duties they are to perform. ²¹ But select capable men from all the people—men who fear God, trustworthy men who hate dishonest gain—and appoint them as officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties and tens. ²² Have them serve as judges for the people at all times, but have them bring every difficult case to you; the simple cases they can decide themselves. That will make your load lighter, because they will share it with you. ²³ If you do this and God so commands, you will be able to stand the strain, and all these people will go home satisfied."

Jethro's advice is:

1. Pray for them (v19)

2. Teach them (v21) - Don't give them the fish that last a day. Teach them to fish for themselves to last a lifetime. 

3. Select men with the following criteria - capable, fear God, trustworthy, upright and honest (meaning, men who have spiritual character and leadership skills)

4. Put them to lead over thousands, hundreds, fifties and tens. (A multi-level structure)

5. Have a philosophy of empowerment - simple cases they decide. Moses will only take the difficult ones.

The fruit? (v23)

Moses will live longer and not die early due to burnout and the people will go home satisfied.

We see in Moses the pastors of many churches today. Not only do they place this unrealistic expectations on themselves, the church members as well. No wonder many pastors cannot last the pace and if they do, ministry has become a lonely and burdensome task. Our church structures and practices today encourages the great clergy-laity divide. 10% of the people doing 90% of the work. 22 players in the football field badly needing rest and 10,000 people in the stand needing exercise. 

This is unfortunate because we loose out on God's design for the church. The church is not the pastor, but everyone in it. We are called to be a kingdom of priests. (1 Peter 2:9) Everyone exercising the role of priests but we have relegated that role to the pastor or leaders. How often have we heard phrases like these:

• Pastor's prayer is more powerful than ours.
• Pastor must be invited to this occasion, do house-cleansing, baby dedications, etc.
• Pastor must visit every person in church.
• Pastor must visit every sick person in hospital or at home
• Pastor must sit in every committee as he is the spiritual leader

As a pastor, I agree these are important roles but are these the most effective way to disciple the church by doing everything? Of course we will do them but to what extent? Jethro's advice to Moses was to teach the people how to live. Meaning, teach the people to live such a way that they do not start unnecessary fires in the first place. In other words, don't just do fire-fighting, for they are very time-consuming and energy sapping. Rather, invest in fire-prevention. Teach, train and equip (v20-show them the way to live and the duties they are to perform) the people to live rightly. Disciple them so that they are people "chargers"  rather than people "dischargers". The devil's strategy is simple. Let the members think they have no power and therefore useless and make the pastor thinks he is a superman and wear him out.

Apostle Paul said in Ephesians 4:11-13 that the key function of the five-fold ministers in the church is not just to do the ministries, but to equip others to do them.

¹¹It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, ¹²to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up ¹³until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

The church need to re-discover this corporate strategy - which is fondly known as the "Jethro Principle". This is the principle at the heart of my church DUMC, which is a Cell Church. I have written an article some years back on this. You can read it here, here and here.

DUMC runs its annual Malaysia Cell Church Conference (MCCC), equipping and training churches in this corporate strategy. The 15th MCCC will be on 9-12 June 2011. Download this year's brochure here to have a feel what the conference topics are like.

So if someone comes up to you and ask why the church is copying a secular corporate structure, just tell them it's the secular business that is copying the church! John Wesley used the same strategy and sustained a revival that last a long time!

So pastors/leaders, go the long haul. Mobilize the Bride of Christ for the works of ministry!

The Fine Art of Learning - Asking Questions.

There is a Chinese proverbs that says "He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever."

There are 63 verses in the book of Proverbs that have the word 'fool' in it. Here are some of them as food for thought. The texts are from NIV. The lines in red are from "The Message Bible"

Prov 1:7 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

Start with God—the first step in learning is bowing down to God; only fools thumb their noses at such wisdom and learning.

Prov 12:15 The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.

Fools are headstrong and do what they like; wise people take advice.

Prov 12:16 A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult. 

Fools have short fuses and explode all too quickly; the prudent quietly shrug off insults.

Prov 13:20 He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm. 

Become wise by walking with the wise; hang out with fools and watch your life fall to pieces.

Prov 17:16 Of what use is money in the hand of a fool, since he has no desire to get wisdom? 

What's this? Fools out shopping for wisdom! They wouldn't recognize it if they saw it!

Prov 17:28 Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue. 

Even dunces who keep quiet are thought to be wise; as long as they keep their mouths shut, they're smart.

Prov 18:2 A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.  

Fools care nothing for thoughtful discourse; all they do is run off at the mouth

Prov 26:12 Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him.

See that man who thinks he's so smart? You can expect far more from a fool than from him.

Learning usually passes through three states. 

In the beginning, you learn the right answers. 

In the second state, you learn the right questions. 

In the third and final stage, you learn which questions are worth asking.

There must be a hunger for learning. Someone once illustrate learning with thirst. When someone is thirsty, he will automatically go to the jug and pour himself a glass of water. In fact when you drink only when you feel thirsty, you are already at the initial point of dehydration. We should all be drinking adequately even before we feel thirsty. I can tell whether a person is a learner by the way he states a problem he has observed in others or himself.

A non-learner merely complains about it. A learner learn new skills to solve it.

Why do I need to continue to learn?

• For your Sake (Maturity )
• For Other's Sake (Love)
• For God's sake (Delight)

HAPPY LEARNING --- AND ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS!